Diary: Day 42 – 45 – A Walk on Water

Psalm 46.1 – God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

It is a struggle sometimes to find the zest for life. To understand how things work out and for what purpose? I feel kind of tired the last couple of days.  I miss the dogs too.  I am seriously considering adopting a dog.  A furry friend always seems to help boost the emotions  It gives you routine to an otherwise meaningless day.  I grew up with dogs. And when I went to university I had no dogs and when I started work no dogs either… So the last few weeks spending time with Livia and Frodo just kind of was a reminder of what I was missing out on in life A furry friend.

I don’t know what to do. I feel lazy today. So, I don’t do anything. I am still before the Lord. I enjoy a lazy day on the couch. That was yesterday. Today, I go for a walk and enjoy the sun on my face. I am learning to be relaxed in every situation but it is not always easy when all you want is for things to work out.  Not things to fall through all the time.  It just seems that each time something works out something falls through for me. Does God really care about me?  Is God really real? Or not…..  Sometimes I don’t know anymore what direction my life is going in. Whether I should just curl up somewhere for a year and go into hibernation… Doesn’t sound like a bad idea!

I am battling a migraine on and off today.  It is the stress of not knowing what will happen… but hey I suppose God is control.. No? Yes? Who knows? Where is my life leading me too? What am I supposed to do? Will it ever fall into place? Or will it be this constant battle. This constant tension inside of me?

I often wonder if my son Sebastian had lived I would be in Slovakia still. I believe. I would be a mum of an almost four year old boy. I would be taking my son to kindergarten and going to work myself, and then picking him up. Would I have been married by now? Would I have met someone while he was growing into a little four year old boy?  What would my life be like if he had lived and not died? Sometimes, I think having my Sebastian would have been easier… or perhaps not.  I wonder what we would be doing my little boy and I? All I know is that life would have been a lot more different than to what it is now. That I would have been a mum.  That I would have done all those mum things…. Except my reality is a stark difference to what it should have been if he had not died.

When he first died I thought that I would not cope with this great loss. I thought I would die from the pain. That life wouldn’t change. That I would be engulfed in this grief forever. That I would be trapped and that nothing would ever change. But with time I learnt to build my life around this grieve. Sometimes this grieve spills over in crashing waves, and reminds me of what I have lost.  But life goes on.  I have learnt to build my life around grief. I have learned not to let grief define who I am.  I have learnt to let go and relax.  What I once called a living nightmare after my son died, I now call my reality.  A reality that I have been forced to accept. Not something I wanted to accept. But I accepted it because what choice did I have?  If only he could have lived, I could have been his mum. I would still be a mum.  Except he didn’t live, and I am not able to do the mum things I wanted to do.

So – what has changed since Sebastian died? What have I achieved? Shortly after he died, I managed to get a job, then an apartment, then my driving license, then publishing my book, then moving country and getting a crappy job.  Now enrolled to do a counselling course. But where is the meaning in my life? What is the purpose of my life? Who am I? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to achieve those things? Today, I don’t know how to do get to where I need to be. I feel frustrated. Agitated. Torn.  How I desire sometimes for a simpler life.  How I desire to be married and to have children. But will it ever happen? What is my purpose God? Who am I?

One thought on “Diary: Day 42 – 45 – A Walk on Water

  1. Hannah, as a woman you’ll find yourself doing different things and fulfilling different roles all your life. Mum may be one of them, you never know.
    Just think, if you’d been born a man you might have been stuck in the same job-based rut for most of your working life!
    I know, sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. It still needs mowing though.


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