my dearest Sebastian

To my dearest Sebastian,

It’s been 8 years since you passed away, no longer 8 days which is what I nearly said. I was reflecting on what I wrote all those years ago when you passed away and where my mind was at the time. I saw the immense grief poured out onto paper – not knowing if God would ever grant me another living child. The anguish I felt of losing you was unbearable and it still brings a lump to my throat.

So, I know it’s been a long time since I last wrote to you – not because I didn’t want to. I just couldn’t face it. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t have a passing thought about you or where I simply just think about you. Lately, I think more about you then I have done in a long time. Sometimes it is easier to keep busy and not make the time or effort to write. And for that I apologise.

But I have good news. I am expecting again. You are going to be a brother to a little brother! Something I have always wanted for you. I feel so blessed. It feels like a miracle. The good Lord has answered my prayers. I am in my second trimester and I am trusting that this time after the pregnancy that I will be able to hold our son in our hands and that we will be able to take him home unlike the last time where I was even denied the chance of holding you. How I hated myself for such a long time for not being able to hold you. Why didn’t I fight them so that I could hold you in my arms and shower you with kisses?

I have so many dreams and hopes for the future. But I don’t think about them. My mind will not allow me to go beyond each day just in case something bad happens. I truly believe that this time nothing bad will happen. But I don’t want to jinx it or think about what could be and what could not be. However, we never know do we with life? Life is fragile. It isn’t ours to keep. It’s the Lord’s life. Not ours. And we have to put ourselves in his palm and believe that He has the best in store for us – regardless of where our life might take us. God is good. He is good all the time. He will provide for our every need and knows what we need and when we need it.

My sweet Sebastian, you will always be my first-born son and I will always love you. I will never dream of replacing you. You are your own unique individual in your own right. I have always called you my little wise man. Because that is what I believe you were. You were an old soul. And I knew if you were born – you would be kind, gentle, caring and considerate. Just like I hope for your brother.

I want to teach your brother the same values I was going to teach you. And I know I have learned a lot from you when you came into my life even if it was ever so briefly. I will always be so very thankful that I had the privilege to be your mama and my prayer is that I will be a good mama to your brother and hopefully to a sister one day.

I am so thankful to the Lord for giving me another chance at motherhood. And I pray that I will love all of you unconditionally and teach you the values and principles of life that I feel are important. While I am writing this letter your brother says hello. He’s dancing away in my belly and it warms my heart as it reminds me of the time that I had you with me. There is hope after all. There is a rainbow after the rain pours down. There is always hope. This much I have learned.

Keep being the special boy that you are dearest Sebastian until we meet again. You are in my heart forevermore, and I will always love you with all my heart. You will always have a special place in my heart. And guess what I get to pass down the blanket I made for you onto your brother, my son. My husband and I have often said that we will tell your little brother about you because you are an important part of our lives. You will not be forgotten.

With all my love,
Your loving Mama

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