How I wish you were still here……… not dust. Not ashes. But alive and well… What would my life be like then?
It has been a while since mummy wrote to you. I still think about you every day. But not like I used to think about you. I remember when they told me when you died – that I didn’t want to believe what they said. I thought they were joking. I thought that they had made some serious mistake when they said that you were no longer living. That the machine was lying to them. That the machine was not telling the truth. It was only after they put me in another room with the ticking clock, and the murmuring machine that I realised you were gone. I prayed fervently for a miracle from God. But I didn’t get that miracle. Not that miracle where when you would be born that you would miraculously cry, and prove the doctors all wrong that you were just sleeping. It wasn’t to be baby boy.
I often think about those days prior to your birth. If only the doctors had listened to me and realised that I was in a lot of discomfort. Especially the last week before you died. Especially those five days leading up to your birth. What if the doctor had listened to me? What if we had gone to the doctor again on Thursday when I felt funny? What if we went to the hospital when the first contractions started? Why didn’t I go? What did I do wrong that you had to die? Was I not a good mummy? What did I do wrong? I often wonder why you had to die. Why you couldn’t live. Why this tragedy had to happen in my life. I was looking so very much forward to your birth. To being your mummy. I was looking forward to a life with you. I had so many things planned for your first couple of years. But it wasn’t meant to be – for whatever reason… Did God think that I was not capable of being your mummy? Did you think I was not capable of being your mummy? Why did you slip away like that so quietly? Without making a fuss. Why didn’t I notice when you died? Maybe I could have saved you somehow?
If you had been here now, my life would be very different to what it is now. It would have been difficult yes, but it would have been worth it. How I miss you dearly my sweet little boy. It is hard to imagine that next month you would be four. That you are fours years gone. Four long hard years. How is that even possible? Where did the years go by? What have I achieved? What is my purpose now that you are gone? I feel like I am chasing this dream. This empty dream. There are moments where I wish I could be a wife and mummy again. Then there are moments where I think I don’t really know if I want to be a wife or a mum… I am your mum. And you’re not here. So, how is having another child going to fix that problem if you can’t be here? If you hadn’t died – life would be very different.
Today – I feel grumpy. Today – I feel like I am despairing. There is a little baby of less than a year old at Esther’s house. He’s cute. But it has brought up a lot of mixed emotions within me. Of what I have lost. Of what they have. And I don’t wish it on anyone the death of a child. It is the most awful thing in the world to experience. Having to lay your child to rest. Having to say goodbye to your child. Letting you go my dear child was the hardest thing I have ever done. It ripped me apart. A part of me died the day they told me that you had died. I lost a part of me that day. I withdrew further into my hole… I lost that passion for life. I lost the meaning of life, my purpose for life that day when they told me you were gone.
How is it possible that two days prior you had a good strong heartbeat, and two days later you were dead? How is that even possible? I just don’t get that. I don’t get how death sneaked up on me inside my womb and took you away just like that. With the simple click of fingers. How is it even possible? It is incomprehensible.
So – now mummy is supposed to start studying soon – counselling…. Still single somehow. Still living, and built her life around this grief. This big gaping hole in my life. You should be here with me. You should not have died. But you did. And I cannot change that nightmare. I cannot change the situation. You are gone, and I am here. That much I know, and I am still battling on.
How I miss you sweet little boy of mine. How I love you more then you will ever know, and how I wish I could have been your mum now, and do mummy things with you. Except I don’t get to do mummy things with you. I can only dream of doing those things with you… And that hurts me. Especially today. Realising what I have lost. And how it hurts me still so terribly.
Love you dear sweet little boy.
Till we meet one day.
Your loving mama always