I need your help. I need you to guide me to my future. I need you to show me out of this thick maze of uncertainty. I need you Father God. I need to experience your love and compassion. I need you to fill me with your strength. I can’t fight this on my own anymore. I can’t keep figuring out what to do. Everyone keeps asking me what I will do when my job contract ends. And I quite honestly don’t know the answer. I don’t have the answer since August last year. I am so tired Father. I just need you to fill me with your strength. And you seem distant. Almost as if you are pouring out your wrath on me. And I can’t deal with that either anymore.
In August 2017 when I arrived in Berlin I started experiencing severe brain fog. Muscle pain, and this extreme fatigue. I ignored it in the beginning and kept busy, travelled a lot to see people, to get away from Berlin, but it took its toll on my body. At the end of September, beginning of October – I suffered from the flu for two weeks before I could make it back to work. The tiredness persisted. The migraines returned un-welcomed. Then in November the tiredness was getting so bad that I couldn’t do anything without needing to use all the effort I could muster to get out and do things. Even walking just a few metres was painful. I went to see a doctor. Got diagnosed with anaemia. Took medicine for it to slowly go away. Slowly got better. December came around, and the migraines increased, the tiredness improved. January 2018, I received a cold. Not something I had asked for. And now I have bronchitis, it hurts to talk and to breathe sometimes. So, yes, I am physically exhausted from fighting this constant illness that plagues my soul. I can only put it down to being isolated and not really having any friends in Berlin.
I am very tired of trying so hard to please everyone. Only for them to be upset with me, grumpy with me and angry all the time. I just need to close myself off from the world. I just need to forget about everything. I can’t please everyone. I can’t support everyone when they don’t appreciate it. I just seem to be a burden to so many people. I just don’t know what to do anymore
Help me Lord to see a way out all these uncertainties. Out of all these unknowns. Help me to be at peace. Please. I know I can’t do it in my own strength. I can only do it in your strength, so guide me please Lord. Even writing seems difficult. Almost pointless. It is like I can’t get my point across anymore. It is like I can’t make sense of my thoughts anymore. It is like somehow, I’ve lost the gift that you gave me… And all I want to do is praise your holy name, to worship you, to serve you. But even that is difficult, when all I hear is you’ve got so many insecurities, you need to deal with those. You have so much pain you need to deal with that. As if I don’t know that? I am dealing with it one thing at a time, but yes, its hard. I won’t deal with it until I am settled, and in a place of rest. I haven’t been able to rest here in Berlin. My mind, brain has been in overdrive trying to figure out the minute details of my life, of what I will do after February 2018.
I am tired of being isolated. I am tired of not having friends. I am tired of not having a social life here in Berlin. It is exhausting just having to think every day what I will do to fill up my time. I spend part of the day in worship to you, and another part of the day I want to go out and be with people, but I know only two people in Berlin, and they are both busy. So, isolation has played a major role in my well-being. My physical and emotional well-being. I want to have friends. I want to extend my love to the world. Help me Father. Please.
In the next place you take me, please provide me with friends, please provide me with at least some form of a social community. Please provide me with a fellowship, a church that I can go to, so that I can serve you for the glory of your kingdom. Please show me the way forward. Help me to seek your face, help me to be at peace. Help me to trust in you again. Speak to my broken heart oh Father. Hear my prayer! I need you. Please embrace me with your love, with your compassion, with your grace. Help me to seek your presence. Help me to be at peace. Please Lord. I pray. I trust you. I seek you.
Help me please. Amen.