It’s like I didn’t Exist

My time in Berlin is slowly coming to an end. As I reflect over the last 5.5 months I look back and see how different my life is to when I lived in Bratislava or to when I lived in all those other places. I existed. I had a life. I had friends. I made a difference (or at least I hope I did).  And now my time is coming to an end and no-one is going to even notice when I leave. No-one will notice that I have gone.

There is no rushing around meeting such and such person to say goodbye. There is no real last minute preparation that I need to do. Just sign out of this country, do my tax declaration and leave. And that’s it. It’s like the last 5.5 months were not there. Like I was just existing and not living.

I now question how do you come to a place of knowing that you are making the right decision for your life? Or how do you make a good decision? How do you know what God’s best is for you? Do you pray? Do you seek his will? And if you have peace about the decision you make, then surely God is for it? Not against it? Or am I wrong?

I am currently trying to figure out what God wants me to do. I thought I knew that Berlin was where God wanted me to go. But was it? What did I achieve in the last 5.5 months? What did I do to make a difference where I am living? Where I am working? Did I make friends? No, instead I have been isolated for 5.5 months and that’s been painful. A painful lesson of just watching time slowly creeping by. It was like kind of watching life through a looking glass while everyone got on with their own.

I know when I am in God’s will I experience tremendous peace, joy and I am able to sleep deeply. Now I toss and turn, but boy do I wish I knew what God wanted me to do. I am tired of waiting, of being patient. Of trying to work everything out. I don’t have that strength inside of me. Only God is in control of my future, of my journey that I am supposed to be on.

So how do I make a decision on where to go next? Do I base it on a good church? Do I base it on a good job? What are my priorities in life? Should I follow common sense decision making? Or should I follow God. The peace of God, knowing in my heart that this is where God wants me to be?

I don’t want a repeat of the Berlin experience. I want to go to my next place knowing that I will have a church to go to, friends, a good job. I don’t just want to exist anymore. I want to live. I want to live life. I want to follow Father. I want to do what is right. I don’t want to leave a place knowing that I haven’t made a difference, that I haven’t impacted anyone. The next time I leave a place, I wanna know that I have made a difference.

In Berlin it feels like I didn’t even exist.

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