I don’t know why I am writing today. Except it is Saturday. I am at work. And I am already bored. No incoming calls. No incoming e-mails. Just manning the phones in case someone does phone me. Eventually. Two other colleagues are here as well. Boredom. I don’t know why we have to work on a Saturday. I never really understood it. Especially in the line of work that I do.
I don’t really know why I am writing these letters to you. Except, maybe it is my way of letting go of the past, and learning to embrace the future, learning to let go. It is in a way like a healing journey. A friend of mine is encouraging me to do this. I wanted to delete all these random letters that I am writing to you. But I suppose my heart needs to be prepared for the future, and it is a process for me. So, by writing I am learning to be a bit more free. Learning to embrace what God has in store for me, instead of holding on tightly to what is comfortable for me. Holding on to what feels safe for me. Maybe this whole exercise is good for me. Healthy for me? Who knows. Maybe this is the way that Father God is preparing my heart for what is to come.
I woke up early this morning. Too early. It was cold. The window was open. And it was -4 outside. I seem to sleep better, when the window is open, but then it does get cold, and I have to close it. I walked part of the way to work today and prayed. Prayed about my future. Enjoyed the beauty of Father God’s creation. Prayed about a lot of stuff. Like what kind of job I will be doing. I want to help people. I want to bring joy to people’s lives. I want to be a blessing to people. I don’t want to be a burden to people.
I’ve decided to put my book Hope Restored (100 Days Through Grief) on hold. Simply, because God’s timing isn’t right. I felt him say to me “wait Hannah”. So I am waiting. In the beginning I was very disappointed with this decision. But I can also understand why I should wait. My own walk has been somewhat difficult in the last five months. It would be hypocritical for me to publish a book, when I haven’t always followed my own advice – like what was written in my book. So, I am waiting, and learning to let go of this disappointment. Things haven’t been easy for me. Berlin has been challenging. It drained the energy out of me so fast, that I am only now regaining my strength, regaining my energy after long months of a constant struggle.
It seems that my life is defined by waiting. I have waited all my life for something. Always waiting on God. Seems like Father God wants to teach me a lesson on waiting. On patience. So as hard as it is, I am learning to wait. In the end my life is a walk of faith, and I am trusting God to see me through each step of the way. Even if it can be a challenge at times.
James 1.2-3 – Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
This bible verse gives me hope. That I will get through each trial in life by the grace of God. And that I do not need to worry because God is in control of my life, and has a plan for my life. So, I will trust him, and seek him with all of my heart.
I don’t know if I told you – I come from a large family. I have three sisters and two brothers. I am the only Christian in my family. That can be quite challenging at times. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. We also have dogs, cats and tortoises. I love dogs, and if I were ever to have a house of my own, I would love to have a dog and a cat. We will see what will happen. Do you also come from a big family? Do you like animals? What are the desires of your heart?
I love walking in the forest, and looking at Father’s creation. Whenever I am in nature I feel closer to God. I always feel so far away from him when I am in my apartment. It always takes longer to connect with Father in my apartment than it does when I am outside walking along a river, or in a forest, just admiring the beauty of Father’s creation. I hope you enjoy doing those things too.
Today, I miss my son. Some weekends its harder to accept that he’s gone. If he were alive, I would be with him now. He’d be almost three and a half years old. It was about four years ago now, that I got pregnant with him. Well almost four years ago. It will be at the end of January. I loved my son. I would have done everything for him. I wanted to be the best mum possible for him. I even moved to keep him safe. And then he died. When he died, I felt like a huge failure for not keeping him safe. It has taken a long time to come to this point where I see that it wasn’t my fault, and that everything I did was out of love for him, and to keep him safe. I remember when I was pregnant with him. It was a time where I drew really close to Father and relearnt all about his love for me. It was an amazing time. Sebastian showed me the way back to the cross, when I was lost. It is amazing how God uses people in our lives to draw us near to him, again and again and again.
Then after he died, I eventually went to a Jules Riding concert. And the music of Jules Riding helped me to come to terms with the loss of my son. Particularly the song: Surrender, Safe in the Arms of Jesus and Broken. His testimony helped me to see that in my dark journey that there can be hope, and that I will get through this. And I did get through this. I will always be thankful to Jules for his music that brings so much healing to so many broken people. If the Lord is for us who can be against us?
What do you like doing on the weekends? When it is summer I love to go swimming, and love to go on long walks. One day I want to challenge myself and do the peace walk. Maybe you will do it with me one day. Who knows?
Anyways know that I am praying for you, and I hope that one day soon we will get to meet. I am trusting the Lord in this even if it is difficult for me. I know this is the right thing to do, to pray for a husband.
So may the Lord bless you and keep you safe, till we meet.