I hope you are doing well. While I prayed for you at the end of last year most days and at the start of this year, I have to admit, that I kind of abandoned it for a while, because there are times in my life I think that God doesn’t want me to meet you. Or that God does not want me to have a life partner…. So I haven’t really prayed the last week or so because I have been preoccupied with other stuff…
An endless host of things – my job finishes exactly four weeks today. It is actually a relief that the job is coming to an end. What do I do there anyway? All I do is pick up innumerable amounts of voice-mails, which most days is discouraging. I’ll be leaving Germany at the beginning of March. Another huge relief. So I need to sort through my stuff, and once more take all the necessary items with me, and dispose of the ones that I can replace.
It is a huge relief that the Berlin season is coming to an end. It has been a challenging 5 months since arriving here on August 12th 2017. Normally I integrate into a country quickly. But this has been by far the hardest. I never really found a place to live. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am living somewhere. Father God provided me with a place. But the desire in me is I want to have my own place. I don’t want to share with people anymore… Well provided they are the right people. But I just want my own place that I can call home. I think that is a desire that most people have…
Yesterday, I was really anxious about the future. But I have good friends who remind me of Father God’s truths. And not to be anxious about the future, for Father God is in control. 1 Peter 5.7 – Cast all your anxiety onto him because he cares for you. Yes, God cares for me, God knows my path even if I still do not know my path, I have to trust that he will guide me and show me where it is. Follow the peace. I was thinking about all the impossibles. And what is the point in worrying when tomorrow hasn’t even arrived yet? So, I prayed on and off all day yesterday for God to take away the anxious thoughts, and for me to focus on him. It helped. Towards the end of the day I was more peaceful, and less tense, less pensive about the future, knowing that God is in control.
Even with everything uncertain, I am learning that nothing is certain, because everything somehow works out OK. And that my dear is because Father God is in control. Not me.
I had a rough weekend, it started on Friday when I had a terrible migraine that simply wouldn’t go away. Got aggravated by an upset and the treadmill of issues going round and round and round in my head of what I was going to do in 2018. How was I going to serve God? The migraine didn’t vacate me until late into the afternoon. I tossed and turned in a restless slumber. I hope that one day I will be cured of this awful disease, as I once was. It was a period of 4 years where I had no migraines. No migraines whatsoever. It was the best. And then exactly a year after my son died – bang I received a migraine. They increased, and there was a period where I was plagued with a migraine at least 3 times a week. That was not a nice time. I often forget what migraine pain feels like when several weeks go past. It is a struggle to do anything that day and to resemble a normal human being!
I know I’ve talked enough about myself now. When I pray for you, I ask God to soften my heart towards you, and to prepare my heart for you so that I can be the best wife and mum possible (when the time comes). I pray for your heart to soften towards me, and for you to see my potential. To see that I have a heart to minister for Father. I pray that you will see past the hardened walls of hurt, and that you will be patient with me. I pray that you will have understanding of all the insecurities that plague my very heart (I am working on releasing them). Its a healing process. It takes time. I pray that you won’t judge me for my past, and that you will accept me for who I am. I pray that I get to meet you this year. I pray that we can complement each other, and that we share a love for music, and for walking in the forests and enjoying God’s beauty. I pray for a lot of things, even if it scares me at times.
Even if I think this seems to be one of the most impossible tasks that Father God has before him. And that I don’t deserve this. But the desire is there. To have a life partner. Finding a life-partner may seem impossible for me, but maybe not totally impossible for God. I want someone that will cherish me for who I am. And wrap me in warm hugs when I need it… I don’t want to be isolated anymore. I want to share my life with someone. The way god created us.
Genesis 2.18 – The Lord God said: “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him”.
May you be at peace as we both wait for God to guide us to where he wants us to be. May we be patient as he prepares our hearts for each other.
Have a blessed week.
Till we meet.