The Startling Pain

The pain so similar to that of nearly three years ago when my son simply died for no reason.  The familiar presence of not knowing what to do anymore, or of finding a way forward.  Do I turn my back away from God?  Do I walk away from my faith?Or do I keep my eyes on the Cross?  On the price?  Keep clinging onto God with all of my strength when I feel like He is so far away.   My life is totally broken.

The platitudes of people ‘there, there you’ll be OK.’ or ‘There, there, don’t you worry things will always get better.’  But will they?  Why do the good things in life always draw to a close?  Why can they not come to stay? Why do they always have to tease me?  Flirt with me and then disappear back into the sands.. Why do they have to bring me a glimmer of hope and then suddenly bang straight back into the darkest pit of despair.  Only this time it feels like I am sinking.  And I have nowhere to turn.  Clueless in a world of darkness.

Feeling like I have lost all the support in my life.  And coming to the bare bones of nothing but deep anguished heartache. What is my purpose God? What is it you want me to do?  Where can I find you? Why are you so silent in my life?  Why can you not talk to me anymore?

And so I sit here, staring into an empty void, not knowing how to move forward.  The tears are dropping, and they drop and drop and taste like salt as they trickle down my face into empty space.

I don’t know what I am meant to be doing.  But God does.  So I guess I will trust Him to guide me to a place of safety.  Please pray for me.  Please, that is all I ask.

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