Dear Sebby,

Today I cried, because I was sad, and I don’t really know where God wants me to go next.  And I feel like I am grieving for what could have been, but isn’t to be. I am learning that God works all good things for the Glory of His kingdom.  As long as we learn to keep believing even in our trials, and in the chaos of daily life. After the last 3 months of being able to write and serve the Lord in all situations it has been a true blessing to be able to witness to people, but also to be able to just work on the new book project and the other projects that He wants me to work on.

Only now I feel slightly discouraged and demotivated.  I can’t figure out what God wants.  I have to admit that I got kind of angry with Him, and asked where He was?  Why does He seem so far away when I need Him now…. He came to me today and gave me peace, and told me not to fear the future.  That He is in control.  Praise the Lord for that.

Proverbs 19.21 – Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

I know that God wants me to go into ministry. And that each step I take is a stepping stone towards that. A step in the right direction.  It is all about persevering. And knowing that God is in control of your life – no matter what.  Why is that so difficult to see and to understand?  I need to learn to trust God rather than let the anxious thoughts and the fears of my mind get the better of me?

When you died, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life anymore.  I remember knowing what I was meant to be doing when I was pregnant with you.  I was ready to be your mummy, and I was ready to look after you completely, wanting to be the best mummy ever.  Now I know with some clarity that God wants me to go into counselling, eventually do counselling as a job and become a full time writer.

Only God knows what is best for us, and He sees the bigger picture, which is a great comfort to me.  Also, I know some of the reasons of why you could not stay with me, and I am OK with that.  If I hadn’t experienced this tragedy in my life, how would God have been glorified?  He’s using me to impact the lives of people… and may He continue to do just that.  And may I have the willingness to continue to tune into the rhema word, and not to avoid Him.  Let me continue to do His will and not mine.

Romans 5.3-4  – …Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character hope. 

I should have read that bible verse a couple of days ago, it was meant for that day, but I could not bare to read my bible because I was so down.  I am feeling at peace today, more than the previous day, even though I don’t know where I will be from one day to the next. I am just seeking the Lord’s will daily.  Trusting Him. Seeking Him.  Believing that He can provide for me, and free me from my anxious spirit.

The truth is I don’t deserve God’s kindness.  But God doesn’t care about my faults, He wants me to be free, and He cares about my feelings. So, it pains him to see me when I get in a restless state. God is a merciful God, He cares about us, He doesn’t want us keep achieving to try and gain His love.  Our human nature is inclined to please God, but all God really wants for us is to simply trust Him and He will provide for our needs.  And in the face of my inadequacy God meets me, and can give me the desires of my heart, and gives us hope.  We simply have to run to Him. I am God’s child, so I should start embracing that, and accepting that He loves me for who I am.  And learn to trust Him with more eagerness than falling into the pit of despair.

Its been almost three years since your death, dear child, and I have learnt a lot, but I still have a lot to learn, and I have a lot to be thankful for.  For all the opportunities I have been given in the last months, and for being able to witness God move not just in my life, but in the countless people I have met in the last months.

I just need a prayerful heart, and a peaceful heart, so I know where I will be led next.  Of course, there are times where I would love to have you here.  But I know you are in the best place possible.

I think of you frequently, but I know you are fine, because you are in Heaven. Safe. In. The. Arms. Of. Jesus.  And for that I thank God every day.  If God has gotten me through a thousand bad days, then surely He can get me through another thousand bad days.

One day I will get to see you in heaven. And I look forward to that day very much.

My sweet child, thank you for the impact you have had on my life, and on the countless people you have impacted by your story of grace.  Continue to help me to feel inspired to write books that multitudes can read, and not just a mere 180.  Help me to release this dream. Thank you for being my son.

I will always love you, and miss you, but I have to live my life, and move forward step-by-step by the grace of God.

I love you always.

Your,
Mama
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