I often find myself waking at the crack of dawn or way before dawn with this sense of unease, dread in my stomach.  I’ve been plagued with nightmares for years now on and off. I have periods where I can sleep peacefully and periods where the insomnia kicks in and I am awake from two, three in the morning and then I cannot sleep again.  Usually I wake up because of some terrible nightmare. Like last night. I was wide awake from 2.45 am. I have tried to go back to sleep. It hasn’t worked. Music. Praying. Laying horizontal. Counting to one hundred.   Counting the sheep.

When will the relentless nightmares stop? It is the nightmares that prevent me from going back to sleep. It is that fear, that dread that something bad will happen. That something is amiss.  Will my ex-husband find me again? That goes round and round and round in my head? Will my biological father find me again? What if they do? What will happen to me then? Will I be safe? Will I have protection? In my nightmares a dark figure relentlessly chases me, laughing at my fear and then I am wide awake.  Unable to sleep again. Unable to find that place of equilibrium inside of me. I wish I could sleep better. It’s cold too. I can feel the cold to my bones.

Often people do not understand why I am so tired all the time. But when you have to go through a marathon every night just to try and get a few hours of shut eye then maybe  they will understand one day why I am always so tired during the day.  Why I always feel like a zombie. Lacking in energy. No good for anything.  Grumpy. Easily irritated. Saying that, I have periods where I can sleep peacefully.  Where I have no nightmares and I cherish those moments.  I cherish that deep sleep and feel relieved that I am not battling sleep.  That sleep is not fighting me. Rather that sleep is being nice for a change towards me.  I can’t remember the last time I had such a deep peaceful slumber. Must have been sometime in the summer.

Any advice on how to avoid the marathon of sleep? Any advice on how to fall into a deep peaceful slumber?  Where there is no fear surrounding my nights.  How do I establish a good nightly routine? How do I establish a good routine where I can sleep without any fear? A deep peaceful slumber is my wish – for just one night. Then maybe two. Then maybe three. But I’d be happy with a deep peaceful slumber for just one night to catch up on sleep. I would be happy if the night terrors would not rob me from sleep for a while. That would be a blessing. Just so that I can have at least one deep peaceful night of sleep.

2 thoughts on “Insomnia

  1. Know what you mean about lying there wanting to sleep. Don’t know whether this will be of help, but . . .

    1) Try to relax, there are various relaxation aps available, deep slow breathing helps here.
    2) Bedsocks – I’ve been wearing a pair since temperatures dropped below 25°C back in the summer! I’m wearing woolly ones now. Can’t get to sleep with cold toes.
    3) Hot water bottle – same principle as bedrocks.
    4) Thick pyjamas – brushed cotton or sweatshirting.
    5) Meditate on Scripture verses. Chew them over thoroughly as you lie there. eg: Psalm 127:2 “He gives His beloved sleep.” And don’t worry, you _are_ His beloved.
    6) Pray. If nothing else the devil won’t want you praying so will try sending you off to sleep! Thick pyjamas – brushed cotton or sweatshirting.
    7) If all else fails, get up, wrap up warm, make yourself a hot drink and . . . I tend to go on the computer for a couple of hours – I may be a bit ‘zombified’ the next day, but at least I sleep when I go back to bed! Remember to check whether your hot water bottle needs warming up before you get back into bed.

    Praying for you, as ever. Hugs


    • May the LORD send angels to guide you on your way,
      May His love surround you day by day.
      May the LORD send angels to save you from the night,
      Wrap His arms around you and hold you tight!


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