I often find myself waking at the crack of dawn or way before dawn with this sense of unease, dread in my stomach. I’ve been plagued with nightmares for years now on and off. I have periods where I can sleep peacefully and periods where the insomnia kicks in and I am awake from two, three in the morning and then I cannot sleep again. Usually I wake up because of some terrible nightmare. Like last night. I was wide awake from 2.45 am. I have tried to go back to sleep. It hasn’t worked. Music. Praying. Laying horizontal. Counting to one hundred. Counting the sheep.
When will the relentless nightmares stop? It is the nightmares that prevent me from going back to sleep. It is that fear, that dread that something bad will happen. That something is amiss. Will my ex-husband find me again? That goes round and round and round in my head? Will my biological father find me again? What if they do? What will happen to me then? Will I be safe? Will I have protection? In my nightmares a dark figure relentlessly chases me, laughing at my fear and then I am wide awake. Unable to sleep again. Unable to find that place of equilibrium inside of me. I wish I could sleep better. It’s cold too. I can feel the cold to my bones.
Often people do not understand why I am so tired all the time. But when you have to go through a marathon every night just to try and get a few hours of shut eye then maybe they will understand one day why I am always so tired during the day. Why I always feel like a zombie. Lacking in energy. No good for anything. Grumpy. Easily irritated. Saying that, I have periods where I can sleep peacefully. Where I have no nightmares and I cherish those moments. I cherish that deep sleep and feel relieved that I am not battling sleep. That sleep is not fighting me. Rather that sleep is being nice for a change towards me. I can’t remember the last time I had such a deep peaceful slumber. Must have been sometime in the summer.
Any advice on how to avoid the marathon of sleep? Any advice on how to fall into a deep peaceful slumber? Where there is no fear surrounding my nights. How do I establish a good nightly routine? How do I establish a good routine where I can sleep without any fear? A deep peaceful slumber is my wish – for just one night. Then maybe two. Then maybe three. But I’d be happy with a deep peaceful slumber for just one night to catch up on sleep. I would be happy if the night terrors would not rob me from sleep for a while. That would be a blessing. Just so that I can have at least one deep peaceful night of sleep.