Extract from You Will Get Through This (100 Days Through Grief Devotional). To be released early next year.

Proverbs 14.30 – A relaxed attitude lengthens the life.

 All my life I’ve had so much angst inside of me. I often feel like peace is an elusive commodity. It comes and goes like a butterfly passing by. When I am filled with so much angst, I struggle to talk to Father, I don’t know where to begin. Yet he knows my every thought, he has x-ray vision. Father knows my every fear, he knows every detail about me, and that is a comforting thought. So, even when I don’t talk to Father out-loud, I am sure that he can hear me and my silent anger, and hear my heart of stone.

My fear of abandonment and rejection is very real. It is a spiritual stronghold in my life which I am trying to overcome. It stems from my childhood, when my parents divorced. Divorce is never healthy for children. It brings up a whole host of issues, and often scars you. But you can heal from it. Subsequently, I struggle with an empire of emotions from a lifetime of hurt. I no longer want to live like this. I want to be plugged into the constant stream of Father’s love, and radiate his love to everyone I speak to. When I am plugged into Father’s love, I am free, I am at peace. I feel complete.

I realise now more and more that I need to anchor my hope in Father, and that I need to be fully dependent on him. Father knows my future. Father is in control of our future. Not we. So, if we are trying to be in control of our future, it will just lead to a mess. Allow Father to be in control, allow Father to take the lead. Learn to trust him blindly. All of us are broken, need to anchor our hope and trust in Father. Not in worldly goods. This is my daily prayer.

So, when I feel like my emotions will erupt like a volcano, I bring my struggles to the cross, to Father, and I read through encouraging scriptures that I have written down in my little yellow and red book – so that peace can seep through my heart of stone. I am learning to live by faith. I am learning to relax. I am learning to take risks. I am learning to be loved even though it scares me because I do not want to get hurt again.

Risks are worth it. Fear is not. Do not let yourself live in fear because it robs you of your joy and peace, and the promises of Father’s kingdom. Live by faith. Trust Father. Believe, he will meet your needs. Stay plugged into his constant stream of love. Stay on the wave of love. Learn to accept yourself. Let go, and let God. Amen. Hallelujah.