Happy 2nd Birthday, Sebby

My Dearest Sebby,

Just thinking on the eve before your birthday… Thinking of what it would have been like to have you here toddling around. You would have been two years old. A strapping little boy. My heart breaks just thinking about it. How can it be? Two years… You will be two years old. My big baby boy..

All those milestones missed. All the wonderings of the mind. What you would be doing.. How you would  look like. What would the colour of your hair be, your eyes be? What would it be like to love you? To hold you in my arms?  And the list of endless questions goes on and on…

The what if, what if, what if…. An endless treadmill of what ifs. A never ending story.  How can it be to have this overwhelming sense of love for a little boy i never got to meet? Never got to hold, never got to laugh with, never got to share my love with? How can it be that you have such a strong hold over me? My emotions? Simply baby boy i love you dearly.

I am broken today. Choked up with pain. Wishing that you were here by my side. But that is not the reality anymore. It is not the reality i am living. I am living a different kind of reality. Not what i imagined really… When i was pregnant with you i had all sorts of hopes and dreams. Naturally they all came crashing down after they had told me that you were no longer living. You went back to dust.

Instead mommy has written a book in your memory due to be published in 6 months time. Your book and the hope you gave me son. A song written in your memory that Jules will be recording in your memory. God made something beautiful out of your death.. And yet here I am wondering what it would be like to have been your mom to a boisterous two year old.

Everywhere i go i see two year olds smiling at me. Two year old boys and I wonder what your smile would look like. I know my heart would melt. I love you sweet baby boy…

My dear baby boy Happy Second Birthday in heaven… Mommy loves you very much little one. I hope you have an amazing time with all your little friends, sisters and cousin.

I miss you and wish you were here.

Love you baby boy.

Forever yours

Mama

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