Constricting One Sided Pain

Joshua 1.9

Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Pain, and more pain, pain, drowning in pain.  Throbbing pain.  Dull pain.  Stabbing pain.  Severe aching pain as if a knife has landed right above my left eye.  Left eye tearing up.  Ear pain. Pain at the base of my neck on the left side.  Pain, and more throbbing sensations, losing some vision.  Stinging pain.  Soreness. Hurting. Discomfort and more discomfort. Oh how I wish this pain could be carried away with the wind.  Heaviness.  Droopy eye. Sagging tiredness.  Clinging on, clinging onto the cross.  Oh God, please take this pain away from my head.  Take away the pain from the left side of my head.  Take away the soreness please. Blinding headaches.  Deafening migraines.  Slumped over, head between hands.  Fumbling weakly for toilet paper to wipe away the remnants of vomit from my mouth.  Throbbing pain that has kept me awake all night.  Nausea.  Dizzy as if I were sea sick.  My battle ground.  Battling to stand up straight, don’t keel over Hannah.  You can do this.  You can get over this migraine attack.  You can survive this.  You cannot let it steal another day of plans.  You cannot let it steal your joy and peace. Focus your eyes on the cross.  Even if everything else seems blurry, allow your eyes to focus on the cross.  Lean into God for comfort.  Lean into God for strength to get you through another day of severe brain agony.

So I feel like I am a broken vessel in the deep blue vast ocean as the waves of the sea crash, smash and hurdle across the distance, like glass shattering, water droplets fall and I am sinking into this deep drenching pounding pain that seems to be a part of my every waking moment.  Nothing seems to work to relief this pain.  What are you trying to teach me God? Thumphy thump thump thump.  Hammering against my skull steadily.  Have mercy on me God.  Take away this pain oh please I beg.  I cannot bear another day with this agonizing pounding against my brain as it constricts and inflates like a helpless life boat.

Steady now Hannah.  Steady.  Relax.  Breathe in breathe out.  Through each pulsating pain like a heartbeat beating steadily away.  Oh God see me through please.  Guide me please.  I will not be discouraged for the Lord God is with me.  He will sustain me.  He will heal the pain according to his will.  And with this I sink into the deep slumbers of pain as I drift in and out of consciousness.  I cannot handle it no more.


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