Hindsight is a blessed thing. It can also be cursed! As I sit in my room just thinking over the past 21 months plus a few days, it never ceases to amaze me to see God’s hand upon my life and the life of others. God is everywhere. God is simply everywhere. I am in a transition phase I feel. Transitioning from the wilderness to a place of complete peace and knowing that I will no longer be working in an office, but feeling in my spirit that I will be ministering to hundreds of broken people – ones that have lost children, ones that have been abused, ones that are lost. Ones that have no hope. Hope unseen buried in the hollowness of broken vessels.
I am writing this down, because it helps me to process things in my muddled brain. I have always found that writing helps. After Sebastian died, it was as if the words were unleashed and they were flowing out of me like a waterfall gushing out. I was writing, to process the sadness, to process the pain in my heart, to make sense of my very broken world. It helps keep the overwhelming feeling at bay. It helps me to focus what is in front of me, and how to move forward from the past. Leaving the baggage of the past on the cross, on paper – so that when I feel strong, I can go back and look at what I have written and seen how much progress I have made in the long difficult months that have passed with happiness, a lot of sadness, but in the end there is a reward. And I feel truly blessed, and I feel God’s hand upon my life, upon other people’s lives, and I am amazed by what he has been doing in the last few months. I praise you God for the grace you have shown in my life. For turning my pain into something beautiful – so that other people can relate to it. So that other people can learn from my strength and resilient spirit – so that they can move forward brokenly but in the end be completely renewed from within because of your grace, your love, your peace that sometimes is so overwhelming, but feels so refreshing.
When Sebby died – I never imagined that anything would come out of his death. I remember when I was pregnant with him, and in my heart I felt like he was a baby of hope! What I didn’t know was what kind of baby of hope he would be. In my mind – he would bring hope to the family, and build bridges to heal the strained relationships within our family – and that he did, he brought alteration into our lives. He helped us to focus on the more important things of life rather than focusing on ourselves so much. When he died – I didn’t understand why he died, because I felt clearly in my spirit that he was supposed to have brought hope to people. I was completely crushed. What I didn’t know was that he could impact people even when he’s not here. Now that takes some time to get my head around.
I remember in those early days of grief, I was in this complete pit of despair. Crying, weeping, oblivious to the world around me, writing away to process my thoughts. I wrote a poem. I have no idea where the idea from the poem comes. But someone once told me that the Holy Spirit plants an idea in your head, and from that idea something blooms. So I wrote this poem ‘from mommy to Sebastian’ and ‘from Sebastian to mommy’. Never thought it would turn into a song of hope. Never believed it would have an impact on others, it was simply therapy for me. Somehow God turned this into something He could use to help others for the glory of His kingdom. Hallelujah Lord. Hallelujah. Thank you Lord.
Sebby’s life. A small little baby that only knew the love in his mother’s protective folds. From one place of safety ultimately to being safe in the arms of Jesus. The best place to be in the world. When Sebby died – I didn’t imagine that something beautiful could be grown out of his death. That Sebby would be able to impact people’s lives. I always thought that Sebby impacted my life, but that it was almost impossible for him to impact the lives of other people. Because no-one ever met him. Not even me – I was never able to hold him. It was simply not allowed in the hospital. I was very blessed though to be able to carry such a special little boy within me. And for that I will always be grateful for. But somehow, Sebby’s story is impacting peoples live without me realizing it. Also, even when I am not even there, Sebby is impacting lives. Wow. Isn’t that just amazing? So with Sebby’s song (thanks to Jules) – it is already impacting other people in a small way. Praise the Lord for that!
God uses our experiences and weaves it into something beautiful, and best of all it leaves a lasting impact on other people. So with that I sit at my desk and I am in complete awe of God’s mysterious power, the miracles He performs and the blessings He gives us, even if we do not notice it. God is with us, God, turns grief into something beautiful. Through my loss, I am able to reach out to others and show them that there is hope, even when we feel like the world is collapsing around us. Even when we feel like we are shattered into a million pieces. Thank you God, for never leaving us, never forsaking us, for cloaking us with your love. Your grace is sufficient for me, and in you I will put my trust. I believe in you.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purposes.