Ezekiel 37:11 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.
Sometimes it is much easier to live outside of your day to day reality where you come into work, sit down and spend an eternity trying to sort out issues. It is always much nicer when you have vacation, or are in a reality that you enjoy being in. I have landed face down again in the mud, and I can feel the tide of emotions ebbing and flowing. It is like a rush. It was a slow descent into the pit once more as I struggled to keep my head above water. The dignified silence – knowing that it is only for short-term. But still, all the feelings of rejection and abandonment raise to the service, and I am sinking into the welcoming hands of the warm gooey mud that is encircling my fragile body, creating a hedge where no-one can enter. So, I let myself sink into the warm gooey mud, and I allow myself to weep bitter tears, and I allow myself to feel every emotion under the sun. I allow the emotions to take hold of my body. But I shouldn’t really. I should remain strong in the valley of dry bones where everything just seems to become dry and pointless. What is the point in all of this? What is the point in being supported and giving encouragement when only silence will fill my heart for the coming months? Oh the pain of walking in the valley of darkness as I desperately cling onto God’s love. As I desperately cling onto what is real and not a dream/nightmare. My heart aching. The pain clearly carved into my face – feeling rather gloomy on this beautiful sunny day. Only thing I can do at this current stage is to cling onto my God, and not to let the reality of the situation eat me alive, and make me feel even more unimportant or not worth it. And so a new reality sets in, one where silence will echo silently into my emotional woman cave.
I will not allow myself to sink in to the warm gooey mud. I have to get up, and I have to fight this good fight. I cannot let the devil win. I cannot let him take over once more – like he often does. I feel like I am in this whirlpool spiraling and spiraling and spiraling into this pool of negative emotions, drawing out all my well preserved energy. The negative emotions rise up, and the panic rises up in my throat like bile – ready to be spewed out if I am not careful, if I do not cling onto my anchor of hope – God. God is my anchor. He will pull me out of this spiraling pool of negative emotions that are being beaten against my weakened vulnerable body. The pit a place of deep darkness, a place where anxiety occurs, and I have to read the living word of God to calm the storm in my body. Except I can feel the panic rising, and I have to remind myself – Breathe Hannah, Breathe, in out in out, breathe Hannah, breathe. Learn to relax in God’s presence. This is only a short term solution. The panic that likes to sit on my shoulder that snickers behind its hand and leads me into this place of distress, and once more I feel like I am drowning, and I have to learn to focus on what I have learned in the past few months, except I feel hopeless. I feel unimportant, unworthy of anyone’s love. I have to remind myself that this is only what the devil is trying to achieve.
All the feelings of the past come up and I feel like I am in that dreadful place again in the middle of the desert, not knowing how to move forward. Just trapped. Stuck in this bottomless emotional woman’s cave, with lions prowling around as if I am good enough bate for them. Except my bones are dry, I am weary and I can’t look past the next month. Emotions of fear are gripping me into a tight hold, and I am trying to free myself from their ugly trap, except they seem to be quite powerful at the moment. Sleepless nights occur. Nightmare after nightmares come. Lack of sleep doesn’t help this broken woman. Sorrow engulfed, sorrow deepens, and anchors itself deep into my shattering heart. Relax Hannah, relax. Breathe Hannah, breathe.
It is funny really how fast things can change from one day to the next. Where there wasn’t silence in my world but there was a joyful sound, a happy noise, a hopeful sound that I will get through this, only to be thrown from one end of the room to the other end of the room like a helpless ball waiting for this endless cycle of anxiety to end. Anxiety stemming deep from the pain of my youth. Anxiety stemming from the pain that was inflicted as I grew up. Anxiety stemming up from a place of deep unrest. This is my storm. I am in the hot desert, and I have to remind myself, God is leading the way.
My feet are stumbling over rocks and hills, and into the valleys of uncertainty, as I learn to praise my God in times of deep suffering. I pray, I learn to cling onto his living words, and I learn to believe that all things work out for the glory of God’s kingdom. Just I need to work extra hard on it, as I am sinking rapidly into this deep dark menacing pit, ready for it to eat me alive, ready for me to drown into this. The place I know best – but the place I hate the most. I love moments where I have deep serenity. Where everything is natural, and seems to flow without any difficulties. I love moments of deep peace that occur within me, and the quiet still voice of God whispering in my ear. I want to be in that place once more. But waking up to the rushing emotions this morning has brought me to a startling halt as I try and grasp onto something so that I will not sink further into the pit of despair, so that I do not drown. I have to cling onto the good memories, I have to cling onto something that has substance and that only thing is God. So here I am once more sitting at the foot of the cross pouring out my heart, silently giving my heart to God, begging God to heal the brokenness within me. Asking him to take away all the feelings of panic, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection (the worst of the lot), and learn to believe that God will not forsake me in my time of need. God is with me throughout every roaring emotion that is being inflicted on my somewhat vulnerable fragile body. Broken like a vessel into millions of tiny pieces. Learning to breathe amidst my crisis. Learning to trust, learning to believe that all things work for the good of God’s kingdom.
My steps stumble somewhat between darkness and light, as the devil tries to steal away my joy, I have to learn that he cannot take hold of me, because God is my stronghold. This is my battle today. Please pray for peace to come upon my heart, as I learn to grapple with the sudden change in my reality. The valley of dry bones.