Sometimes you just have to act spontaneously and go out and do something crazy. Something that you usually wouldn’t do. It could be that you have never drunk expresso and suddenly you change your habit from drinking two cappuccinos a day to drinking expresso. Or it could be that you are one of these people that rarely goes out to travel, because there is simply no-one you can travel with and feel that you can travel with. Life is about taking risks. Risks and more risks and more risks. There is no point living in a glass cage – never experiencing anything, because when you don’t take a risk, you will never know how wonderful that risk was. Until you are in the moment. In the moment where the river flows gently, and you swirl around happily along the banks of the rivers, and you feel this exhilarating rush and you feel alive. Alive! What a wonderful feeling. If you don’t take a risk – your life seems to be a lot more meaningless than if you had taken a risk. Boring to the point that you start to fear every time you learn to take a chance. When you take a risk and you feel like the whole world is at your feet, and you feel that you are able to keep going forward with whatever challenge that the world seems to be throwing at your feet – because God is with you. God blesses you with small miracles, if you allow your heart to be open to taking up new opportunities filled with endless possibilities.
And then there is the pain. The very real pain that sits on your shoulder never seems to be leaving your side. Always whispering in your ear, reminding you of all the anguish you have been through – that taking a risk is too dangerous, because it will lead to more and more suffering, of leaving you uncertain of your future. Of taking a step in the dark, somehow hoping that amidst the turmoil of falling leaves that somehow, sometime in the future everything will work out once more. That everything will neatly line up, align itself and you will be able to experience that exhilarating moment where you realize you feel alive, where you realize that at least you belong somewhere, to someone, where in a world of uncertainty and brokenness you have never really belonged until you feel connected to another kindred spirit. I suppose that is the metaphor of life. Pain versus joy/peace/pleasure/feeling blessed. How can it become perfectly balanced (if there is such a thing)? How can we move on, with trusting God that everything will work for the glory of his kingdom without living in fear? Without being afraid that this invigorating experience will occur again, that it will stir senses that were otherwise asleep, a closed door, and a closed treasure chest that was never to be opened again. Would I rather live a life in constant grief, or live a life with the twists and turns and the turmoil’s that come and go, that ebb and flow underneath the sunset.
When my son died, I stopped hoping. I dared not to hope. I closed the walls of my heart, and I didn’t dare allow anyone to come in or close to me for fear that I would get hurt again and again and again and again. But somehow through some people I have met on my road of solitude (hope slowly entered in between the cracks), through healing and accepting my loss, the walls around my heart began to weaken. One person patient enough to chisel away at my heart, till my walls collapsed, so that my soul was laid bare and naked and all my brokenness seeping out into the endless seams of quilts that are being knitted into endless times except time will end one day. Taking a risk to share my brokenness. Taking a risk to show my vulnerability. It is up to that person to respond with compassion. If the person responds with compassion, they help that person to take a risk, they help them move forward into this life. If the person responds with a judgmental attitude, well then I am sorry, but the heart closes and you don’t feel like you are able to take a risk. You clamp shut like a little sea clam. Tightly shut. But then you take the risk of living in darkness forever. Light versus darkness. I will take light over darkness any day..
Risks can be wonderful, beautiful to the point that it takes away your breath, as you wonder and learn to put your hope in God, and Lord Willing God will hear the desires of your heart, and allow everything to continue in its perfect symmetrical fashion. Learning to take a chance can lead to many wonderful, colourful memories that can be engrained onto a life that only knew pain, and where there was no hope left. To believe, and to trust that the Lord can make all things beautiful for his kingdom. To trust that when we do take a chance that God can make a way where there seems to be no way. To trust God that He will continue to open the doors, and that one day the risk that was taken will be worth it, because it was only the beginning of something beautiful. It was the beginning to a new adventure, a new road that opened up.
The risk taken was worth it, it opened up whole new highways, where the twists and turns in the road, whether you experience some good moments and some bad moments, it is ultimately all about the adventures you take in life. Without taking a chance, you will never know the myriad of opportunities that could have been. Without hope where will your life be?
My life is hardly the same as it was a year ago, or two years ago [when I was eagerly anticipating the birth of my son]. I took a risk in loving Sebby. Only to lose him. I then closed my heart to taking chances. I had no hope left. I didn’t dare to have hope. Because I felt that each time something wonderful was taking place in my life it was taken away. Job 1.21 Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” I didn’t dare to believe that more amazing things could happen after my son’s death. But with time I have learnt that through suffering is born a deep faith, and a deeper understanding towards other people’s pain. You learn to be more empathetic to that person’s plight and want to help the broken-hearted. Ultimately you just battle the storms of life and learn to accept that everything you do is a BIG risk as long as you know that God is in control then what can actually go wrong? God works things together for the glory of his kingdom. So by losing Sebby – will it ultimately lead me to have a ministry where I will be helping to heal the broken-hearted? The grief-striken parent? Probably yes, because I have been there. God then places people in our lives who believe in us, and who believe that we can impact a world where only brokenness exists. The simplest thing we can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. Have joy as you learn to ride the storms in life with a zeal whether you are going through the heavy storms, or besides still waters, God is ALWAYS in control.
My heart was dry as dust a year ago. I had no hope. The bible’s words were meaningless, it was as if it had no life in them, no meaning, just a book with endless words that didn’t seem to seep in – but ever so quietly the words cleansed my heart clean. Hallelujah Lord. I learnt to surrender myself to every emotion under the sun and to learn to lean on God’s strength alone. I learned that to have faith is less of a risk than living in fear. If you live in fear you take the BIGGEST risk of losing everything that is dear to you. I would rather take a step in faith, and truly believe and truly trust that everything will work out for the glory of God’s kingdom.
What are you willing to risk losing? Are you willing to risk to lose everything by living in fear? Or are you willing to live by faith and to knowingly and consciously say ‘God is in control’. There is no risk in faith. You just have to believe and to trust, and you will see the blessings of God pour down on your life. Take a risk in being vulnerable and open to the cross so that you can become a more wholesome person in God. To Live in Fear = RISK, to live in Faith = RISKING REWARDS/BLESSINGS. Which one do you choose? I choose the latter. Don’t allow fear to ruin the opportunities that God has in store for you. Choose to trust and you will see the beauty of what God can do in your life.