All my life I have always waited. Waited. Waited. Waited. Waited. Waited. Yes and more waiting. And each time I waited right at the end it left – usually by death or it simply wasn’t ‘meant to be’. I waited to be accepted at university. I waited patiently to get a job. I waited. I waited on God. I waited to hear his voice. I waited for my children to be born. I waited to get married, and then I waited to sign my divorce papers (after being abused – I couldn’t take it anymore, but I waited for the right moment to make my escape).
But today I am tired of waiting. Today I am frustrated that all I ever seem to be doing is waiting, but nothing good ever seems to come out of it. In the end the desires of my heart that I always want seem to be taken away. And then what? I have to start from scratch again with the waiting. Why is it that sometimes all this waiting seems to be a futile exercise because it seems to lead to nothingness?
Why do I struggle with life so much? While others seem to find it a heck of a lot easier than me? Why do I feel like sometimes I am drowning in this pit of despair, feeling completely hopeless that all this waiting will lead me to nothing but more heartache? Why am I so afraid?
I waited a long time patiently for my son. Only for my son to die. I waited nine months for him to be born. Nine months of eager anticipation. I waited, I waited. I prepared. I waited some more. I prepared, and I waited for what was supposed to be the beginning and the best adventure of my life, only for him to die and for me to start from scratch all over again. Small baby steps. Small baby steps of blind faith. The truth is I do not know where any of this waiting will lead me to. I am waiting for my big break. I want to get my book published, but that requires exercise of patience and more waiting.
I woke up feeling desperately alone this morning. I woke up feeling like a failure to my loved ones. I woke up feeling like why do I keep fighting this endless quagmire of negative emotions? Why can I not wake up one morning and feel the spring in my step? Feel that all this waiting will be worthwhile. That it will not be in vain? I certainly hope it will not be in vain. I feel for some reason today desperately hopeless, purposeless not knowing what my purpose is in this life anymore. Not knowing what God wants from me anymore. Not knowing why I just feel like I can’t handle anything anymore. I feel like I am on the edge of the cliff with all the emotions going haywire. My hair sticking on ends. It can’t be good. I don’t know what my purpose in life is at the moment. I wake up, and I go to work and I sit down at a desk and do my dead-end job. And I go home feeling even more depressed. I go home feeling even more like a failure. I don’t get my job. I don’t like my job. It depresses me. It’s a pointless job. I want to do something meaningful with my life.
And no-one understands me. No-one seems to understand me. I have waited all my life. And I guess I will wait all my life for the thing that I most want. And that is a four letter word. I just want to have some LOVE in my life. I just want to feel loved. I just want to be reminded sometimes that I am needed, that I am wanted, that I am not the only one waiting for that. I want to be held and told it is going to be OK. I don’t want to be told you will cope, or you will manage somehow or that I am strong. Because truth is sometimes I cannot be strong. Sometimes I am also weak. Sometimes I am allowed to be weak. Sometimes I am allowed to cry and break down. But not really.
Because right now I feel sad. Right now I feel weak. Right now I have no strength inside of me. Right now I am a broken woman that needs to be held and told that she is appreciated, and that she is loved. Right now I need to feel that I am cared for. That everything will work out in the long term. But will it?