I have been challenged. Really challenged lately. After hearing a testimony of Jules sitting at the cross every day for more than two years, it has blown me over. What a challenge – for all of us, to not take the cross as some joke, but to seek it more deeply. To be able to sit at the cross, and be so open and honest and showing your complete honesty, must have pleased the Lord greatly. And blessed the Lord tremendously. To put God above everything else. That is powerful stuff.
My challenge lately is to sit at the cross (it doesn’t matter if it is in a church building, a shoe box, or at home). If you don’t have anywhere to go – make a cross and sit in front of it, and pour your heart out to God. Kneel on the floor and worship God. Hallelujah God. Hallelujah God. Thank you God, for your great love. Thank you God for your great wisdom. Seek God’s face. Don’t be afraid of God. Just allow the love of God to seep through your hardened walls, allow for God’s gentle words to fill you up with hope that you thought would never happen. Allow for God to hold you, sit still in his presence, allow His entire being seep through you so that you may experience love and hope. Take away the focus from yourself and focus on God.
I remember a time after Sebastian died, and I just sat in complete silence, phone switched off, emails switched off, and just the music on and worshiping the Lord amidst my sorrow. God was with me. I was clinging on desperately. I felt God’s love seeping through me. I was at complete peace. But grief has an interesting way of catching up. An interesting way of dragging you under and under in a current of self-pity, self-hatred, loathing, and being consumed by the power of the emotions that you are blinded, and that you are no longer able to see God before you. God carries you then. And the prayer that needs to be prayed at such a time when you cannot see and are afraid of what the future holds is this:
‘I will not be afraid, Lord, I trust you. You are greater than any fear I have. You are in control of my life. I trust you Lord, to get me through this. I need you Lord, more than ever today as the grief is hitting my face on all sides. Beating me. I need your strength, and your wisdom lord. Come Lord Jesus. Come Lord Jesus into my life. Give me your strength Lord. Give me your guidance. I trust you Lord to get me through this. I will not be afraid of the future Lord, I trust you. I will cling onto you. In your most precious name I pray. Amen. Hallelujah Lord. Hallelujah.’
Seek the Lord and He will give you peace. He may not always answer you right away. He may not always give you the answers you seek, but you simply have to sit in His presence and cry out to the Lord, and He will be there with you. The Lord will not abandon you nor will he forsake you.
I remember nine months into the grief journey that I had a massive break down. The grief all powering. I wanted to give up. I looked haggard. I had gained a significant amount of weight – through comfort eating. I was going astray from God. I was feeling empty and lonely and far away from everything. I felt like the darkness would never lift, I just wanted the pain to end. I planned to die. I planned ways to end it all. But somehow God always puts the right people in your life at the right time to bring you back to the foot of the cross. I remember being extremely vulnerable and tired, and I was told by three different people that I need to take time off work, because if I didn’t I was heading towards a BIG burnout. A HUGE burnout. And that is not what I needed. So, with the advice from three different people I took time off work, and I sat at the foot of the cross, and I poured out my heart to God. I wept. I shouted. I wept some more. I shouted. I curled myself up into a small ball and just lay there crying heart wrenching sobs, and somewhere in those very dark days, a small soft voice said cast all your burdens onto me. It is well with your soul. Your son is safe. Your girls are safe. Be still, and know that I love you, for I am your Lord, your God. God is everywhere. God seeps into your walls of brokenness constantly. He never abandons you even if you feel that He is abandoning you, and that He does not care. God cares for you more than you will ever know.
I am but a sinner, and yet God, loves me so much. God has given me hope. God wants to hear my heart, wants to have a relationship with me, for I am God’s child. God wants to hear about our good and bad days, he wants us to be vulnerable to him, and by displaying our vulnerability at the cross, and we allow God’s love, wisdom, insights to seep through to us, so that we may live a more righteous life.
I challenge you to make your cross, find a cross, sit somewhere in front of a cross, where you can unburden yourself to God. The more practical it becomes, perhaps the easier it will be to know God’s existence. To feel God’s presence and love. To know what the Lord wants you to do with your life. What are you doing, to help you to be closer to God? I pray. I pray. I pray. I pray. I pray. I ask for more Jesus. More Jesus. More Jesus. More Jesus. More Jesus to fill up my life. I pray for more of the Holy Spirt. I pray for more of God’s love. But I also ask for forgiveness for any of the sins I knowingly committed that day or unknowingly committed. I ask God to help me to focus more onto him, and less on my own needs. I want to display my vulnerability to God. I want God in my life. I want to surrender myself to God.
My seeping therapy is at the foot of the cross. I love God wholeheartedly. And I will seek His face on a daily basis. I will not be ashamed to share my faith with the world. I will stand strong in the face of the enemy and cling on to God, as every trial that life throws at me, I know God is with me, and it is well with my soul. My children are safe. I have hope. Peace will come. Be at peace. Be blessed, allow blessings to rain upon you, allow God to seep through to your heart, and allow Him to love you. Do not be afraid. My challenge is to sit at the foot of the cross and not to be afraid to seek God’s face, and to allow my vulnerability to shine through my tears of deep heartache. What is your challenge?