My Dearest Sebby,
A caterpillar transformed into a butterfly and flew to Heaven. Thank God you will never understand the sufferings of day to day life, and that sometimes living life can be such a difficult trial. But through trials our characters can be strengthened and we can learn to live with good Godly attitude.
It is now seven weeks till the whole circle has been completed yet again from the moment that they told me that your heart stopped beating to a four day labor exercise before you came into the world with a silent dignity. Mommy has been missing you a lot this weekend. I guess with the weeks approaching fast and quickly disappearing into nothingness, I realize yet again that its now nearly your second birthday, and I have yet to decide what I will do on your special day. I also realize how fast time has gone, and what has mommy achieved? Nothing. Or possibly something? I am learning, learning, learning to be at peace about everything. For the most part I have accepted your death. But will I ever overcome your loss? The hole that you have left in my heart. Will I ever be the same person before you died? Or have I too transformed into a somewhat half broken butterfly still struggling to escape from my cocoon.
Maybe the book I wrote after you died will be published early next year. We are now currently in the editing phase and fine tuning it, so that it is perfect for release. Not that anything can ever be perfect. But you did give mommy a gift and that gift was to share your story to the world and what a wise little man you were and the impact you had on mommy even if you were somewhat invisible to the world. You still impacted my life in more than one way, and I am not really sure how to show my gratitude to you. I am just so very thankful that I got to be your mommy!
Everywhere I look I see little children who could have been about your age and I wonder what it would have been like to have you here with me. Would you be running? Would you always be into mischief and be a free-spirit? Would you like to sing? To dance? I wonder what the sound of your voice would have been like. What the sound of your laughter would be like. How your smile would look like as it lights up your face. Would you have been a mommy’s boy? We would have done so many fun things together I think! But you are not here.
My reality is different since you died. But I have several goals that I want to meet this year, when I start my third year without you!
- Get my driving license
- Get my book published
And so many more goals that I won’t publically declare. You know what mommy wants. But for that I need to trust that the Lord will keep opening the door for me.
Oh my Sebby, time does fly by. When you died, I never thought/phantom that I would come to this point in life. Nearly two years on, from the day of your death. Still grieving for you. But I have hope now. Which is a stark contrast to what it was last year, when I still had no hope for the future, and where I was quite frankly very depressed. When you have no hope then you only feel darkness. But I have hope and I am thankful for the hope that I have, and the glimmer of lights that I have in my life now.
One thing I know now is this: you are safe in the arms of Jesus. And you did not have to suffer. Mommy is still learning about the challenges of life, and the lessons of life that God wants to teach her. Maybe one day I will be able to share my testimony to people, and that there can be hope after losing a child. Who knows?
I love you my precious son. Stay well. Till we meet again.
Your loving mommy always.
Love you. Kisses to the stars.