Hope Left via Back Door

I wrote this poem in February of this year. I was really struggling and just wanted to go somewhere and be alone…. I had no hope left. Two months later i feel more positive. More relaxed.

 

Five hundred twenty two days equivalent to one year, five months and four days

It is 10.40 pm, a year and five months

And four days have passed since

Your birth and death.

But it seems as if it only happened yesterday.

 

Time has either come to a halting stop

Or it moves slowly

As our days apart seem to stretch further

Into unknown desolate territory

 

How i wish i could hold you

Wash you

Read you bed time stories

Sing to you

Laugh with you

Look at you lovingly

How i wish i could love you…

How i wish i could hold you to my bossom.

 

hauntingly i stare into the darkness

Pain etched into hardness, hope gone

Overwhelming hope left

Through the front door

As silence entered its place

 

Help me please to see

Show me gently

As i cling desperately onto

Nothing that i cannot see

For i am

Completely broken.

 

In another life i would

Be running after you;

Wiping your tears as you fall,

Cuddle with you, play with you,

Eat with you.

And so much more mommy things.

 

But this reality of mine

Is where i wipe my own tears away

And look into the distance stretching

With an alarming silence of sadness.

 

Hope gone.

Completely broken

Mom i am

Grieving

Missing

Wishing

Hoping

Praying.

Hope has left.

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