A Taste of Freedom

I think this weekend I can say in all honesty that I fell in love with music.  Before music did not speak to me very much – but when hearing songs by Jules Riding – it was as if the music pierced every part of my very soul. It was like this particular music was made for my ears.  I have this deep sense of longing and hope – whereas in the past few months I felt complete hopelessness, complete darkness, but now I feel alive and awakened, as if God is giving me a nudge to get up and sing songs of hope (in my croaky frog voice!)

This weekend for me was a holy weekend, it was a God weekend.  Every action was focused on the glory of God.  Coming together on a Friday night to listen to Jules’s powerful testimony, coming together on a Saturday afternoon to pray to our heavenly Father, and seeking his will and forgiveness in our lives, enjoying the fellowship with each other, going to church and just being able to bless the community through our actions, and then going to see a friend in the hospital.  God was very much present, and I pray that it continues! It is well with my soul.  It is well.

The father heart of God can be spoken in many different ways.  It can be spoken through music, through poetry, through short stories, through expressions of free speech.  Through dance. Through the actions that we do on a daily basis. 

Music is hitting my very heart today. I recall how when I was a kid I wrote a poem about a world without music and how it could be a very scary place if there was no music in our lives to bring us comfort.  Thank God for music and for the worship that we can have with music playing.  It definitely makes you feel alive.


Darkness, Fear or Not?

Blackness – nothing is seen beyond her eyes –
pitch dark, where is the window… 
no guiding light to show the way.
Fear crawls in, holding her hand; 
large figure like images appear out of nowhere –
and then the scratch, the bang, the awkward
noises of the silent darkness.

Fear – should she fear? No? ! Yes! ! ! 
Music jumps into the ears for comfort –
without this the world is a scary place..

How do we overcome struggles?  Do we turn to God?  Do we turn to suicide?  Do we turn to our inner selves?  Are we looking for the bigger picture? Do we run away from our issues?  Do we try to find our purpose in life? Is there a spiritual force somewhere out there that we are not aware of?  I live by faith, so I know that God is in my heart.  Why is that when we are in a pit of despair we either turn to God or we turn away from God.  Why is that?  And when we are happy we feel like we do not need to be dependent on God so much, when in actual fact I think we should and we need to be dependent on God all the time.  But when times are good – we seem to do things by our own strength, and then we get hit by a big storm and we cry out to God in anguish. And ask where is God in all of this?  Why did God abandon us? God never abandons us.  He is always with us.  In the storm when we don’t know it and when we feel all alone in this world, frightened, a lost child, God is carrying us that is why you only see one pair of footsteps in the sand.  God is bigger than our problems.  With God we can overcome anything and everything, if we just allow him to work within us.  But for that we need to be willing to make our dwelling place within him and not seek to do things independently, but to seek His will in all things.

Whilst I was pregnant with my son, I had to leave my husband and I lived in an undisclosed location where I was protected and given the chance to heal emotionally from what I had experienced.  I had to rely completely on God because I had nothing to my name.  I saw God moving mountains in my life like never before, I was in complete awe with how God was working in my life, for the glory of His kingdom.  It was truly an amazing sight.  As I look back at those years, I remember them fondly because I was brimming with peace, overflowing with joy and skipping down the road with pure innocent childish delight.  How I wish I could go back to those days of pure innocent childish delight.  But I know God wants me to move forward and not to dwell too much on the past.

When my son died, I clung onto God in those early days after death struck my womb.  And yet death did not win.  We conquered death.  My son and I conquered death.  My son went up to heaven and does not have to live a life of sin. Amen to that! Hallelujah.  Praise our God for that.  I remember praying to God for my son to have the perfect Father and sure enough God gave my son the perfect father.  My son is now sitting at the feet of the father in heaven.  What better place is there then to sit at the feet of God our Father?  Though I struggled, still struggle with the separation, I know deep within me that my son is safe, and happy.  This is my struggle on earth.  Sometimes grief will sneak up from nowhere, and I will be laying on the floor in deep anguish weeping for the son I lost, and I only have to remind myself that God sacrificed His son so that whoever believes in Him may have eternal life.  God is great.  God is gracious. I also know, that God will wrap his arms around me as I weep for my little boy, and struggle to come to terms with it, but somewhere in my heart I know God knew what he was doing even if I did not like it.  Even if I wanted so badly for him to be here on earth with me.  It is well with my soul by the grace of God.

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