Probably writing more of the same as yesterday… and the day before yesterday.  Question is how do you get to that place of God’s sleeping peace?  Where God works through you rather then you working through him?  How can you come to that place of deep peace?

Psalm 46.10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

I am Hannah.  Nearly 26 years old.  I have lost three children in the space of seven years.  I no longer plan to have children (unless God really wrestles with me on this one).  I came to peace about that about half a year ago, when I realized that obsessing about having a baby was not going to bring healing to my broken heart.  Strangely, doctors and various people have told me that the best medicine when you lose a child is to have another child.  Do I really want to replace my child with another child to have healing?  Only healing can come through God, and only then will I become whole in Him.    I overcame that barrier of not wanting children anymore.  But that doesn’t mean that I do not miss my children.  I do miss my children.  I think of them often, but I don’t let it consume me anymore.  Someone once told me that I lived in a shrine because I had all my son’s little treasures on display. At the time it helped me, it gave me comfort, and it made me feel close to my children.  Of course I knew that I wasn’t going to live in a shrine forever, but at the time I had to come to a place of peace.  I had to come to terms with my loss.  I had to accept that my son was not going to return to me.  For a long time I felt like I was living a nightmare, and I was consumed with so much guilt that he had died and that I had lived.  But by slowly plodding along I was able to accept my son’s death and in return I gained God’s peace.  Especially when I let go of wanting any future children.  After all God is in control of my life.  And He has a plan for my life whatever that may be.

In the last month I have battled extreme anxiety.  Not because I am missing my son, but simply because of some of the changes in my life that have happened, and simply because I took a risk and now I am battling the emotions of the ‘old familiar loneliness’.  I hate feeling lonely.  I hate being alone all the time.  But once more I really need to say ‘Ok Hannah, you’ve done it before where you let go of obsessing about your children, now you need to let go of the uncertainties in your life, the separation, and learn to be at peace about it.  Learn to accept it and trust that the Lord is in control of your life.  So, I really need to walk blindly in faith to trust God again.  I mean don’t get me wrong I trust God, but a part of me still wants some control over my own life, and the story of my life.  Ultimately though, God is the only one that is in control of our lives.  And the sooner we accept that the easier it will become.  The quicker you will come to peace.  But I guess Hannah never learns.

In my moments of deep angst I just have to cling onto the cross and trust that God will carry me through and that I will not be separated from God’s love, although right now from where I am standing I feel like God has stopped talking to me.  I feel like God is far away, and that He no longer talks sweet comforts to my soul.  I just need to keep on going through this deep slushy marshland of negative emotions and eventually I will reach the end of this slushy marshland in beautiful valleys of green grass with colorful sweet scented flowers!  How I wish that day would approach quicker.  But I guess I cannot take a shortcut, because with shortcuts you don’t learn what God wants to teach us.  And it is in the end a ticket to frustration and bitterness.

Am I feeling bitter?  Yes, heck I am feeling bitter.  I think sometimes I am a very bitter person.  Not my choice.  Well, I suppose it is by choice.  But when my son died, and the other two I just kind of accepted it, nonetheless I shouldn’t be bitter.  I guess I am afraid, afraid of the future.  Afraid of what is instore for me.  I guess I am afraid of losing people that are dear to me, that mean a lot to me.  And sometimes I resent it, because I just feel like I have gone from one trial to the next and then the one time that something wonderful, amazing happens, it seems to walk away but only temporarily.  I know this is but for a season.  I just have to trust God that whatever happens in the future that He is in control, and that God knows what is best for me.

Work has also not been very exciting or helpful this week.  It always depresses me – maybe my mood has swung low because of that?  Or maybe I just didn’t feel like I have had a proper holiday.  Maybe I need to take a sabbatical leave.  Or maybe I should just relax and enjoy the ‘ride’.  How do you do that?

My head is spinning again.  The head is giving a dull ache.  Maybe I am worried about the doctor visit next week?  But God is in control so whatever happens, happens.  And I have to accept that.  I have to come to a place of peace or I will destroy myself before I turn 40!  I just don’t know how to come to that place.  It took me a long time to get to that place after Sebastian died.  I don’t want it to take as long now.  I think I just simply have to let go and let God do his work, instead of trying to do everything by myself, in my own strength.  I have to trust that God can work things out, that God can make a way where there seems to be no way.  So, what is the point in worrying about tomorrow if you can’t do anything about it?

I guess I will just have to sit still and be silent and wait for the Lord to speak to my heart.  For God’s soft breathe to lift me out of the thick slushy marshland I am walking through.  No matter what happens, God can make a way where there seems to be no way.  What will you choose Hannah?  To go in your own strength?  Or to walk in faith, and to trust that God will open the door, and give your heart peace?  I make a public declaration that I will choose the later.  I will walk in faith and trust God, so that I may be at complete peace once more. Please pray for me.

It is two days before you have been gone from me for 19 long hard months.  19 months of ups and downs. 19 months of heartbreak and so many unshed tears still to go.  The Lord knows how much I miss you sweet baby boy.  Sweet baby boy.  Sweet baby boy of mine.  My little wise man.  My little miracle.  I was sitting in my room last night on the floor flicking through some stuff from two years ago.  Your birth/death certificate or whatever you want to call it in my hand.  The evidence that you were born.  With no name on the birth certificate.  Simply your date of birth and your death date.  Although the strange thing is your death day was 4 days before your birth.  So how does that work? Some early letters I had written to you after your sudden death.  Words of deep anguish and heartbreak.  Deep inner turmoil.  Stuck in this endless dark menacing pit.   The heartbreak so clearly visible through my shaky handwriting.  19 months of figuring out how to keep moving forward, of how to see past the grief, of how not to be so bitter.  It is no small feat.  It has been a slow agonizing 19 months where I would say Lord, I bring you my broken heart.  Please just help me to make sense of the mess that I am living in.  Please help me to figure out why death had to knock on my doorstep.  I know there won’t be any answers to some of the questions I still have inside of my muddled brain.  The question though is – would I be more at peace if I had all the answers in the world?  Probably not.

19 months further, of which I have been in counselling for 16 months, and suddenly my counselor said I think slowly it is time to wean you off me so that you can start to slowly rebuild your life without having to relive your life without having to go over and over and over again regarding the events surrounding the birth, and the events of my dark turmoil years.  Looking towards the future.  I am nearing the edge of my wilderness and entering a time of hope and perhaps even looking forward to the future with a sense of deep peace within my soul.

I know that I am not the same person that I was 19 months ago plus a few days when I was eagerly anticipating your birth, when the world was my oyster.  Only for it to sink like a broken ship in the deep dark blue sea. Those early days after your death, I sat in a trance like state for months on end, weeping my broken heart out, consciously trying to bring my burdens at the foot of the cross.  I hated feeling so completely broken and utterly dependent.  I got through.  I got through those early dark months of deep despair.  I am now walking tall, and doing things that I wasn’t able to do a year ago.

I am running, I am walking to work, I am socializing, I am even laughing and smiling genuinely.  Not with the after-thought ‘oh I shouldn’t be happy, I shouldn’t be smiling’.  Now I know I can smile.  And it feels good to smile.  It feels good to be alive when once upon a time not so long ago I was knocking on death’s door, ready to take the first leap away from this agonizing pain.

Every day Sebastian, I think about you.  Some days the pain hurts more, other days the pain is easier to bare.  But you are a part of me. You will always be a part of me as are your sisters.  You guided me gently back to believing in the God that has saved my life countless of times from devil’s angry growl.  I battled for months and still I am battling the feelings that I am not a good mommy, that I was not a good wife.  That I failed at keeping my children safe.  But I also know that it isn’t my fault.  So I let my battlefield mind sort it out without having to intervene because I don’t want to spend more time living in bitterness, and regret.  It is time to move forward and to face the future with a zeal.  Can I face my future with more zeal?  I am not sure, but it is worth a try – I should think so at least!

January to beginning of April were trying times.  I quarreled with depression.  I quarreled with happiness.  I wanted neither.  None were the alternative I was looking for.  I changed my attitude.  I started looking towards other people, and stopped focusing on myself so much.  I learnt to express my love towards the cross a lot more, and learnt to unburden myself at the foot of the cross.  I am learning.  It is still a steep learning curve.  I know I will face days when I am struggling with the depths of depression. But I believe I can get through it in one piece together with God as my biggest number one fan.

Grief is not a very easy thing to deal with.  It is like a rather unwelcome presence in my life.  My question is often when will it end?  Will it ever end? But then – do I want it to end?  Because if it ends, does that mean I will have forgotten about my children? For a long time my greatest fear was that I would forget my son.  But I know I will not. He played a huge role in my life, and he’s not a thing, or a fetus.  He was a baby with feelings, and with a whole life ahead of him.  He was my son, and he gave me a new lease on life when I was pregnant with him…. And so may it continue

I have made my peace with God.  For now I will focus on the present day and not the future.  I made peace that I may never have children again – and that is ok! I have three beautiful children watching me from heaven. Heck I don’t even know if I want children anymore! I don’t want to go through that heartbreak anymore.  I don’t want to go through the darkest valleys and relive the anguish that no parent, no human being would ever want to witness. The raw hurt, the raw heartache. The raw all-consuming pain.  That is what frightens me, the pain, and the sadness, of what it might do to me if it were to happen to me again.  This is something for God to deal with.  He can wrestle with me, if he wants to.

A gentle reminder of what my sister wrote when I was at the start of my pregnancy I found back last night – I would like to share it with you guys.  I need to live like there is no tomorrow.

There are three things in life you need to know: you were born, you will die and things change.  I got a story for you, it goes like this, you are loved and you love.

The day you are born no one can question it, it is just like a song.  Although one can change the lyrics and it can go all wrong. One thing you know is if you listen carefully like when you say the numbers 1 to 3 you will see…

… I have 1 thing to say

2 you

3 words

4 you

I love you!

Now 2^nd rule in life is life is a gift so don’t sit around because no good will come if you do.  Smile, say hello, give a warm embrace, go out and come back home.

Safe and sound to the place you call home, where you know I will be waiting for you and keep you warm in my arms.

You are the most beautiful combination of DNA and I crave every part of you from your head till your toes.

I will help you on your way to your later years making mistakes so you don’t have to do them all.

One lesson you should keep in mind is to be who you want to be and if one can’t accept that than look next to you.

I will be there in the storm with you.  I will keep you warm besides there is so much beauty when storms come it means you and me can dance in the rain and live like there is no tomorrow.

Your last lesson for today is, I don’t care what we do together, it can be nothing or just counting stars but one thing I know is that the time spent with you will be the one I remember most because you are my sunshine and I will care for you and help you if you fall.

I love you.