Sometimes you have to be like a chameleon and adapt to the new situation as quickly as a chameleon can change to a different color. Only for me it is not that simple. It is trying. It is hard. It requires me have a certain sense of acceptance to the new situation, and it takes me a while to adapt to a new situation.
In the past I was able to adapt more quickly and more easily to a new situation. But after Sebastian died, I have lost a lot of my old personality and find it difficult to adapt to a new situation. It takes a while for me to adapt to a new situation. With a lot of reassurance and encouragement and support the adaptation process would be quicker and much more pleasant.
Now when a change occurs it is as if I am taken back to those early days after Sebastian died. When they told me my son had died. Something I found very hard to accept. Something that took a long time for me to accept. I was shell shocked. I was calm and collected then. I didn’t know how to react when they told me that he had died. I just remember having this mantra in my head:
“It seems like your baby is not living. It seems like your baby is not living. It seems like your baby is not living. It seems like your baby is not living. It seems like your baby is not living. It seems like your baby is not living. It seems like your baby is not living. It seems like your baby is not living. It seems like your baby is not living. It seems like your baby is not living. It seems like your baby is not living.”
So lately when things change I find that my body reacts in such an adverse way. It is hard to explain why it does what it does. Probably it is my body’s way of protecting myself from further hurt. From further disappointment. It is my body’s way of trying to protect myself from what it perceives as a threat. That’s the only way I can explain it. In my muddled brain I feel like my world is falling apart when in reality it isn’t. It is just my perceived perception. If that makes sense?
Just because there is silence, it does not mean that the friendship changes. It is just the situation that changes. It doesn’t mean that I am cared for less. It doesn’t mean that I am loved less. But it’s the fear that keeps me awake. And I know no matter how many times I say it – I should not live in fear. I should live by faith and trust that the Lord will make a way where there seems to be no way.
On my way to work this morning, I was just walking and I wept the entire way to work. Just crying, crying, crying, asking God to give me peace. To give me some hope. Some indication that I am going in the right direction. I thank God he has given me peace. But my brain is still muddled up. Probably because I am exhausted from fighting this influx of negativity that has bombarded my very soul. A tsunami of emotions ranging from despair to hope all in one day. It isn’t simple when you wear your heart on your sleeve, and when your spirit is extra sensitive to change.
Basically, after Sebastian died, my brain went into shock mode. It did not react the way I had envisioned it would react (not that I ever imagined how I would react if someone had told me my child had died). I didn’t know until they told me. So, now I guess my body, my mind, soul is prepared for whatever onslaught someone will throw at me. My body is in constant defense mode, because I am simply afraid of losing what I perceive was something very special.
I have to find new strategies to deal with sudden or gradual changes. When I was younger I was able to deal with it head on, and accept the situation. Now I struggle. It’s a battle for me. So forgive me for struggling so much. For battling this minefield. It is difficult for me to see myself go in panic mode. I know that only God can heal me from this deep anxiety that binds me and does not let me be free – be the woman that I am meant to be.
And sadly the devil knows my weakness, and the devil makes damn well sure that he makes his presence known to me thus making me feel vulnerable, needy, fragile, unworthy, unloved, alone. When the reality is that I am not alone. That I am still loved. That I am still cared for. That I am still needed. That I am still wanted. But because of changes that constantly occur my body weathers it and tries to learn to cope with it. I simply need some new coping mechanisms an hopefully one day I will be able to deal with it graciously rather than with a panic-induced mind.
I just want peace. I just want to be told that I am OK. That I am cared for. And when changes happen I just need some extra reassurance, some extra time, and some gentle loving encouragements and support till my body catches up and adapts to the new situation. Does it sound ridiculous? Probably. But I know that with some extra reassurance, some extra time to make me feel loved and appreciated, and with some more encouragements and support I will come to a place of inner peace quicker and my body won’t resist the change so much.
Lord help me please to be at peace today as I learn to adapt to my new situation. Lord please help me to cling onto the cross, and help me to be the woman you created me to be. Lead me besides still waters, and Lord I pray that one day the desires of my heart will become a true story. Thank you for loving me Lord. Thank you for giving me peace in a time of intense turmoil. I love you Lord. And you are the number one person in my life. You will never forsake or reject me. Thank you Lord. More of you please in my life. Amen. Hallelujah.