Probably writing more of the same as yesterday… and the day before yesterday. Question is how do you get to that place of God’s sleeping peace? Where God works through you rather then you working through him? How can you come to that place of deep peace?
Psalm 46.10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
I am Hannah. Nearly 26 years old. I have lost three children in the space of seven years. I no longer plan to have children (unless God really wrestles with me on this one). I came to peace about that about half a year ago, when I realized that obsessing about having a baby was not going to bring healing to my broken heart. Strangely, doctors and various people have told me that the best medicine when you lose a child is to have another child. Do I really want to replace my child with another child to have healing? Only healing can come through God, and only then will I become whole in Him. I overcame that barrier of not wanting children anymore. But that doesn’t mean that I do not miss my children. I do miss my children. I think of them often, but I don’t let it consume me anymore. Someone once told me that I lived in a shrine because I had all my son’s little treasures on display. At the time it helped me, it gave me comfort, and it made me feel close to my children. Of course I knew that I wasn’t going to live in a shrine forever, but at the time I had to come to a place of peace. I had to come to terms with my loss. I had to accept that my son was not going to return to me. For a long time I felt like I was living a nightmare, and I was consumed with so much guilt that he had died and that I had lived. But by slowly plodding along I was able to accept my son’s death and in return I gained God’s peace. Especially when I let go of wanting any future children. After all God is in control of my life. And He has a plan for my life whatever that may be.
In the last month I have battled extreme anxiety. Not because I am missing my son, but simply because of some of the changes in my life that have happened, and simply because I took a risk and now I am battling the emotions of the ‘old familiar loneliness’. I hate feeling lonely. I hate being alone all the time. But once more I really need to say ‘Ok Hannah, you’ve done it before where you let go of obsessing about your children, now you need to let go of the uncertainties in your life, the separation, and learn to be at peace about it. Learn to accept it and trust that the Lord is in control of your life. So, I really need to walk blindly in faith to trust God again. I mean don’t get me wrong I trust God, but a part of me still wants some control over my own life, and the story of my life. Ultimately though, God is the only one that is in control of our lives. And the sooner we accept that the easier it will become. The quicker you will come to peace. But I guess Hannah never learns.
In my moments of deep angst I just have to cling onto the cross and trust that God will carry me through and that I will not be separated from God’s love, although right now from where I am standing I feel like God has stopped talking to me. I feel like God is far away, and that He no longer talks sweet comforts to my soul. I just need to keep on going through this deep slushy marshland of negative emotions and eventually I will reach the end of this slushy marshland in beautiful valleys of green grass with colorful sweet scented flowers! How I wish that day would approach quicker. But I guess I cannot take a shortcut, because with shortcuts you don’t learn what God wants to teach us. And it is in the end a ticket to frustration and bitterness.
Am I feeling bitter? Yes, heck I am feeling bitter. I think sometimes I am a very bitter person. Not my choice. Well, I suppose it is by choice. But when my son died, and the other two I just kind of accepted it, nonetheless I shouldn’t be bitter. I guess I am afraid, afraid of the future. Afraid of what is instore for me. I guess I am afraid of losing people that are dear to me, that mean a lot to me. And sometimes I resent it, because I just feel like I have gone from one trial to the next and then the one time that something wonderful, amazing happens, it seems to walk away but only temporarily. I know this is but for a season. I just have to trust God that whatever happens in the future that He is in control, and that God knows what is best for me.
Work has also not been very exciting or helpful this week. It always depresses me – maybe my mood has swung low because of that? Or maybe I just didn’t feel like I have had a proper holiday. Maybe I need to take a sabbatical leave. Or maybe I should just relax and enjoy the ‘ride’. How do you do that?
My head is spinning again. The head is giving a dull ache. Maybe I am worried about the doctor visit next week? But God is in control so whatever happens, happens. And I have to accept that. I have to come to a place of peace or I will destroy myself before I turn 40! I just don’t know how to come to that place. It took me a long time to get to that place after Sebastian died. I don’t want it to take as long now. I think I just simply have to let go and let God do his work, instead of trying to do everything by myself, in my own strength. I have to trust that God can work things out, that God can make a way where there seems to be no way. So, what is the point in worrying about tomorrow if you can’t do anything about it?
I guess I will just have to sit still and be silent and wait for the Lord to speak to my heart. For God’s soft breathe to lift me out of the thick slushy marshland I am walking through. No matter what happens, God can make a way where there seems to be no way. What will you choose Hannah? To go in your own strength? Or to walk in faith, and to trust that God will open the door, and give your heart peace? I make a public declaration that I will choose the later. I will walk in faith and trust God, so that I may be at complete peace once more. Please pray for me.