It is two days before you have been gone from me for 19 long hard months. 19 months of ups and downs. 19 months of heartbreak and so many unshed tears still to go. The Lord knows how much I miss you sweet baby boy. Sweet baby boy. Sweet baby boy of mine. My little wise man. My little miracle. I was sitting in my room last night on the floor flicking through some stuff from two years ago. Your birth/death certificate or whatever you want to call it in my hand. The evidence that you were born. With no name on the birth certificate. Simply your date of birth and your death date. Although the strange thing is your death day was 4 days before your birth. So how does that work? Some early letters I had written to you after your sudden death. Words of deep anguish and heartbreak. Deep inner turmoil. Stuck in this endless dark menacing pit. The heartbreak so clearly visible through my shaky handwriting. 19 months of figuring out how to keep moving forward, of how to see past the grief, of how not to be so bitter. It is no small feat. It has been a slow agonizing 19 months where I would say Lord, I bring you my broken heart. Please just help me to make sense of the mess that I am living in. Please help me to figure out why death had to knock on my doorstep. I know there won’t be any answers to some of the questions I still have inside of my muddled brain. The question though is – would I be more at peace if I had all the answers in the world? Probably not.
19 months further, of which I have been in counselling for 16 months, and suddenly my counselor said I think slowly it is time to wean you off me so that you can start to slowly rebuild your life without having to relive your life without having to go over and over and over again regarding the events surrounding the birth, and the events of my dark turmoil years. Looking towards the future. I am nearing the edge of my wilderness and entering a time of hope and perhaps even looking forward to the future with a sense of deep peace within my soul.
I know that I am not the same person that I was 19 months ago plus a few days when I was eagerly anticipating your birth, when the world was my oyster. Only for it to sink like a broken ship in the deep dark blue sea. Those early days after your death, I sat in a trance like state for months on end, weeping my broken heart out, consciously trying to bring my burdens at the foot of the cross. I hated feeling so completely broken and utterly dependent. I got through. I got through those early dark months of deep despair. I am now walking tall, and doing things that I wasn’t able to do a year ago.
I am running, I am walking to work, I am socializing, I am even laughing and smiling genuinely. Not with the after-thought ‘oh I shouldn’t be happy, I shouldn’t be smiling’. Now I know I can smile. And it feels good to smile. It feels good to be alive when once upon a time not so long ago I was knocking on death’s door, ready to take the first leap away from this agonizing pain.
Every day Sebastian, I think about you. Some days the pain hurts more, other days the pain is easier to bare. But you are a part of me. You will always be a part of me as are your sisters. You guided me gently back to believing in the God that has saved my life countless of times from devil’s angry growl. I battled for months and still I am battling the feelings that I am not a good mommy, that I was not a good wife. That I failed at keeping my children safe. But I also know that it isn’t my fault. So I let my battlefield mind sort it out without having to intervene because I don’t want to spend more time living in bitterness, and regret. It is time to move forward and to face the future with a zeal. Can I face my future with more zeal? I am not sure, but it is worth a try – I should think so at least!
January to beginning of April were trying times. I quarreled with depression. I quarreled with happiness. I wanted neither. None were the alternative I was looking for. I changed my attitude. I started looking towards other people, and stopped focusing on myself so much. I learnt to express my love towards the cross a lot more, and learnt to unburden myself at the foot of the cross. I am learning. It is still a steep learning curve. I know I will face days when I am struggling with the depths of depression. But I believe I can get through it in one piece together with God as my biggest number one fan.
Grief is not a very easy thing to deal with. It is like a rather unwelcome presence in my life. My question is often when will it end? Will it ever end? But then – do I want it to end? Because if it ends, does that mean I will have forgotten about my children? For a long time my greatest fear was that I would forget my son. But I know I will not. He played a huge role in my life, and he’s not a thing, or a fetus. He was a baby with feelings, and with a whole life ahead of him. He was my son, and he gave me a new lease on life when I was pregnant with him…. And so may it continue
I have made my peace with God. For now I will focus on the present day and not the future. I made peace that I may never have children again – and that is ok! I have three beautiful children watching me from heaven. Heck I don’t even know if I want children anymore! I don’t want to go through that heartbreak anymore. I don’t want to go through the darkest valleys and relive the anguish that no parent, no human being would ever want to witness. The raw hurt, the raw heartache. The raw all-consuming pain. That is what frightens me, the pain, and the sadness, of what it might do to me if it were to happen to me again. This is something for God to deal with. He can wrestle with me, if he wants to.
A gentle reminder of what my sister wrote when I was at the start of my pregnancy I found back last night – I would like to share it with you guys. I need to live like there is no tomorrow.
There are three things in life you need to know: you were born, you will die and things change. I got a story for you, it goes like this, you are loved and you love.
The day you are born no one can question it, it is just like a song. Although one can change the lyrics and it can go all wrong. One thing you know is if you listen carefully like when you say the numbers 1 to 3 you will see…
… I have 1 thing to say
I love you!
Now 2nd rule in life is life is a gift so don’t sit around because no good will come if you do. Smile, say hello, give a warm embrace, go out and come back home.
Safe and sound to the place you call home, where you know I will be waiting for you and keep you warm in my arms.
You are the most beautiful combination of DNA and I crave every part of you from your head till your toes.
I will help you on your way to your later years making mistakes so you don’t have to do them all.
One lesson you should keep in mind is to be who you want to be and if one can’t accept that than look next to you.
I will be there in the storm with you. I will keep you warm besides there is so much beauty when storms come it means you and me can dance in the rain and live like there is no tomorrow.
Your last lesson for today is, I don’t care what we do together, it can be nothing or just counting stars but one thing I know is that the time spent with you will be the one I remember most because you are my sunshine and I will care for you and help you if you fall.
I love you.