The Old Familiar Loneliness

A week ago I was having the time of my life. I was enjoying myself very much…. A week later, I am in my room alone with the old familiar nagging loneliness holding my hand. Making my chest constrict. I am sick of feeling this old familar loneliness feeling. I hate it.

Feeling this emptiness that does not seem to want to leave my side. Why do all the good things in life (well in my case) seem to be but fleeting? It comes quickly and it leaves quickly. Why do I always give my all, and then only it feels like my heart is shattering, shattering into a million small pieces. Last week I felt like I won a million dollars. This week I feel like I am desperately clinging onto the wall, onto the edge of the wilderness so that I can get out. How do I get out of this feeling of deep emptiness? This deep old familiar loneliness? I hate it. There is a hole in my heart. Battling the thoughts of wanting to just curl up in a tiny ball and forget my pain…. To knowing that this is but a season and it will pass. Laying my burdens at the cross, or at least I am trying to! I hope! BROKEN, BROKEN. BROKEN. BROKEN. BROKEN. LONELY. EMPTY… bouncing in my barren cavity of hopelessness.

Afraid of what the future will hold. EMPTY. This deep, deep emptiness, that only comes after something magnificent occurs in your life, and then suddenly its gone like the wind. Just like my son left me. Just like my other two left me. It is gone. And my world is once more empty, devoid, pointless. No it simply does not make any sense at all. How do you move past the empty barren road, and lean all your understanding onto God? How do you cling onto God? How do you unburden yourself at the cross? How do you put one foot in front of the other, when the shoes that you are wearing are so painful, you can barely take them off your feet? How do you get rid of this chest constricting feeling of fear that grabs hold of you and shakes you till your body is a quivering mess? How do you move forward? How do you let go off the past? 
The fear of rejection? The fear of abandonment? In all honesty when my son died, I felt like he had abandoned me… that day, that week, I felt like I was abandoned. Stemming from childhood through a quite traumatic time as a child. ABANDONMENT. That same feeling is hitting the walls inside my head today. Since Monday. That old familiar loneliness. That old familiar voice: you don’t belong here. You don’t belong. You don’t belong anywhere. How do you move past that voice? Inside your head… how do you move past that point and make peace with your past? Does anyone out there feel like me? Know how I feel? Can relate to me?

I used to cut myself to take away the pain… Now, I don’t. I have a desire sometimes to do it, but I don’t do it. I battle it. I battle it. When the pain is at its peak, the old familiar feeling of the soft cold jagged razor against my skin helps me to release the pent up emotions inside of me, or at least I think it helps me but it doesn’t. Reality is different. It doesn’t help. It just makes the situation worse. It just makes everything worse. Now I have a number I can call, a number I can text when the desire to cut becomes an overwhelming obstacle that I cannot battle alone. That I cannot climb over by myself. Now I have a number I can call, and that person will talk to me, calm me down, pray with me, be my intercessor till the desire to cut subsides once more.

Dear God please help me to put my focus on you, on the cross, and not on myself-. Please help me to see past my pain, and help me, prevent me from succumbing to the devils voice. Help me to overcome this battle. Help me to overcome it. I just want more of Jesus in my life. More of Jesus. More of Jesus please God.. I beg you to take the pain away in my heart, o God hear my prayer. O God forgive me for my sins, help me to see clearly. Help me to seek your will. I commit my future into your hands, O God, you know the desires of my heart. Help me please, I ask in your most precious and Holy name. Amen.

The haunting past, the old familiar feel of the razor in my hand. Pressing against the palm of my hand. Dropping it to the floor. Shaking myself awake from this trance like state. Leaning into God for strength. Breathe Hannah, breathe. Breathe Hannah breathe. That’s it you can do it, one two three four five six. Inhale, one two three four five six exhale. That’s it. Know that you are safe now. Know that Sebastian is safe. Know that Elouise is safe. Know that Micheline is safe. It is well with you. Keep on going, putting one foot in front of the next. It is well with you. 

And so this is my life. I am hurting today. What more is there to say? Other than that I am hurting, and I want to be understood… I want to know that it will be ok. That I will be ok. That things will get easier. The life of a writer, battling highly fraught emotions…. On memories I cling till the present catches up with the future and the season will turn.

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