I don’t know what to do. I am so confused about everything. I am hurting. I am afraid. I am lonely. I am battling a whole host of negative emotions. Battling depression. Battling a storm of uncertainties. There are so many uncertainties in my life. Uncertainties regarding my accommodation, uncertainties regarding what I want to do with my life. I know what I want to do. Of course I know what I want to do. But will it become a true story?
Right now, I feel all alone. Lonely. Broken. Rejected. Abandoned. Defeated. Depleted. Unworthy. Unloved. A nobody. A silence echoes my world and I am just clinging on desperately for God’s love to fill me with life. All these emotions are very real to me. I have to pray multiple times to God per day to overcome these insecurities. I have to trust God that he can heal me from my own brokenness. But can I be healed from a lifetime of rejection? Lifetime of abandonment? A lifetime of where people made me feel unworthy. Like I wasn’t worth the effort – somehow.
A tsunami of emotions crash against my soul every single day, and I simply have to just breathe. Breathe Hannah, breathe. Relax Hannah, relax. All is well for God is in control. I am sinking deep into this deep thick slushy marshland filled with negative emotions. They seem to wrap around my body and drag me under. I pray to God daily to free me from these chains of pain that keep me like a trapped animal. I want to be set free. I just want to live day by day. Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Trusting that the Lord will bring me through this.
Bottom of the priority list. Just feeling like I am not worth the effort at all anymore. Like I am just a no-body trying to carry on with life. Trying to make sense of my world. Trying to feel at peace about everything. Trying to cling onto the cross. Everyday I bring my burdens to the cross, every day I lay it out all before God and ask him to take away my anxiety. My pain. My heartache. My confusion. My permutations of endless possibilities. I just want PEACE. That is all I want. Peace. I don’t want to feel so broken anymore. I don’t want to feel like I am trapped in this small cage, where no-one seems to notice me. Seems to ignore my needs. Needs that could have been stilled by a simple message of encouragement and love.
I feel like I am forgotten amongst the cracks of life. Like one of those people that lives on the fringes of society. Where ever I go I have always been the ‘social outcast’. Perhaps because I am a writer. When growing up in school I had no friends. Maybe one. But not really. More like an acquaintance. I just feel lost in a world of brokenness. In a world where everyone seems to be struggling to find peace, to find a place of deep comfort. To find the meaning of life. What is my purpose in all of this? Why did my son have to die? Why did I go through the things I went through? How can I overcome this pain? These feelings of rejection and abandonment? Even when my son died I felt like I was abandoned and rejected by God. Like it was all my fault… Like I didn’t deserve to be loved.. Like I didn’t deserve this blessing.
So, I let the silent tears roll down my cheeks as I cling onto the cross. Believing that Jesus can heal me from a lifetime of pain. Holding onto hope where there seems to be no way. No possibility of it ever working out. I just want to believe that something good can come out of all of this suffering. Can it? I mean why do some people suffer more than others? Is God preparing me for a ministry so that I can help others? So, that I can encourage others, support others? Do I have to go through this pain in order to be able to have more compassion for others who are going through a similar journey as I? If so, Lord, show me then please. Give me something tangible to work with Lord. Because right now I am running on empty and I am not sure how more of all this uncertainties I can take. Right now the tears are just falling, falling, falling… and I feel like i am in a hot desert trying to figure out which way to go… whilst I stumble over. My identity is in Christ. I am a somebody, though I feel like a nobody. Like I have gone unnoticed. O Lord please help me to be at peace I just want your endless peace and love to flow through my veins. Help me please!
I just want to be told that all is well, and all will end well. I have had so much heartache, so much pain in my life. Why not add one more heartache to the list. Hannah can cope with it. Hannah can deal with it. Hannah is strong… Uh…. No, today I am not strong. Today I am weak, and God is my strength. In my weakness the Lord becomes my strength. Truth is, I can’t bear to go through heartache again. I can’t bear to grief again because I know if I do that it will kill me. That it will be the end of me. That I will just collapse under the tsunami of grief that I have experienced through my life. How do I explain what I want without sounding selfish? Without sounding like I am needy. I am also a person with needs, with emotions, with feelings. But lately my feelings are brushed under the carpet. I have had to learn to keep my thoughts to myself and to be silent when it was expected of me. But it isn’t easy. It is hard. I am frightened of what the future holds for me. Though I shouldn’t be because God is in control of my life. I just want to be HEARD. For once I just want to be HEARD and told that it will be OK. That I am loved. That I am appreciated. That I am not forgotten. That I am being prayed for. That there is a purpose for me on this planet Earth. That there is a reason why all this suffering occurred. That there is a reason why my son had to die for God’s greater purposes – whatever that may be.
I feel like a failure. Since Sebastian died – what have I achieved? Absolutely nothing or so I feel. I just feel like I am falling backwards and not seeing any progress made through this wilderness of grief. I want to be gently reminded of my achievements in the last two years. Have I made any achievements? I don’t want the devil to taunt me anymore. I don’t want the devil to tell me that I have failed epically. Because truth is. I haven’t failed. I had the courage to move on, but somehow I am still trapped in this endless wilderness. I don’t want to keep going in endless circles. I have to trust that God will carry me through, that God will pull me through, that the end is in sight. Lord show me please. Speak to me please. Guide me please.
I was a mum once. Am I still a mum even if my child is no longer here? I mean I clearly knew what my role would be two years ago, but now I am not sure what my role is anymore. A verse comes to mind: Matthew 5.14 – You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.
Then there are the endless migraine attacks one after the other. Seeming to take my body hostage and then I can’t do anything but sleep it off, or lay in a dark room until it passes like a butterfly passing by. I need to pray more. I need to trust God more. I want to have a steadfast faith. I want to believe that God can bless me with good things. But then I also know that God will only give me what he thinks is best for me. Does that mean that he will give me the desire of my heart? I have no clue. Ask and ye shall receive (Matthew 7.7). If I ask God, will he give it to me? Lord willing, yes! I guess I just have to exercise patience, and faith and trust that the Lord can provide the desire of my heart.
After Sebby died, I lost hope. I sunk into a myriad of negative emotions, and I was ready to commit suicide. I couldn’t see the point in living anymore (a bit like now). I need to ask God what is my purpose in life? I think once that fundamental question has been answered it will be easier to live life day to day. I remember when I was pregnant with Sebby how I had such a steadfast faith. I trusted God in all things. I believed that he would get me through completely unaware of what laid ahead of me. And then it all changed. I stopped fully trusting God, because I lost my son. I lost so much. I had so much heartache. So much heart pain. How much more pain could I endure? And now? Well, I just don’t know how I could cope if i lost my best friend. I know I need to face this situation with good Godly attitude. Lord I pray you give me wisdom, on how to deal with this situation. One where there is innumerable possibilities. All could end well or all could end bad. Possibilities in a realm of possibilities.
Now I exercise faith on a daily basis, I place my trust in God and I pray to God daily. But I have to do it multiple of times, because the devil seems to know how to weaken me quickly.. knocking me over like a helpless twig.
What is my purpose God? I don’t know it anymore. God please make a way where there seems to be no way. Help me to be at peace. Help me to hear your quiet voice. Carry me through please. I am just a broken vessel that needs to be healed with your love. Cleanse me in the blood of Jesus O God. Help me to focus on you alone, on the cross alone. Help me to be at peace please.