There is a time for everything under the sun. A time to cry. A time to laugh. A time to be sad. A time to be happy. A time to mourn. A time to be joyful. A time to celebrate. A time to gather around and support. There is a time for everything under the sun and there is no shame that goes with this. Time is in God’s hands. Time is what we make it to be. Not how others want it to be.
Where do I start? It’s been such a long time since I’ve put pen to paper. Or hand to keyboard. I rarely write these days and lately I have been encouraged by various people to put my thoughts onto paper. To not give up on writing. To carry on writing. And the truth is when I write I feel free. When I write I feel like I am finally me. All the stresses of the day go and I can just let go of all the puddles in my head. But then I think why write? I realise now, that writing is not to benefit others but that writing is to benefit myself. It’s to help me realign my thoughts. I am learning not to fret about what others think about my writing. But rather let my thoughts take me where I have not allowed it to venture for sometime.
So, here is – yesterday, it was seven years since I heard the devastating news that my son passed away. In biblical terms it seems to be the perfect number. The number of completion. I do miss my dear son. But I know he is in the best place possible. It’s been a long seven years. Yet, in retrospect it also seems rather short. So, much has happened. I was pregnant, I mourned the loss of my son. I still do. But the pain, the intensity of this loss seems to ebb and flow. Sometimes I feel this intense pain. But it’s not as prominent as it was in the previous years. Or maybe I learned how to deal with the loss better? It doesn’t mean that my love for him has gone. It is still the same if not deeper and more intense. I rejoice because Sebastian is in heaven and not suffering on Earth like so many of us are.
In the seven years since Sebastian died. I learned to smile again. I learned to laugh again. Essentially I learned how to live again, and that is an amazing feat. For a while I was lost. I didn’t know which direction to go. My confidence at an all time low. I just went with the motions of life. But in recent times I laugh a good hearty laugh. I smile and my sense of humour comes out occasionally, taking people by surprise. Even taking myself by surprise at times at some of the sayings that fall out of my mouth in a rather hapless manner. God is good. He’s shown me the way forward. He’s guided my paths and during this time I have never been alone. He’s always been there supporting me. Cheering me on. My number one cheerleader.
in less then three weeks. I will be married. Wow. That has taken up a lot of my time, and yet I am definitely excited. I marvel at God’s timing of it all. Seven years signifies completion, perfection. I am entering the eighth year without my son. Eight means new beginnings. New beginnings are on the horizon. I am getting married to a wonderful and compassionate man. A man that loves Jesus with all of his heart and wants to do what is right before the Lord. I am so very thankful to the Lord for the amazing blessing He has given me.
If I think about life – I know that when we think we’ve lost hope, hope is actually never far behind. It’s usually either sneaking up behind you or a little ahead of you. You just have to look ahead. Or turn to your right, left or behind to see it come to your side. You never have to face life alone. Hope is always there giving us a nudge. I have learned that it is OK to dream, to have visions for the future. I have learned to never give up on hope because without hope there would be nothing left, just an empty existence. And life is meant to be for living. Not just plodding along, trying to make ends meet.
Mostly though – don’t give up on love. I thought I had given up on love after my dear son passed away. I didn’t think for a long time that I was worthy to be loved because I felt like I had failed Sebastian. I felt like I had failed my family because they too mourned for him. Yet, love crept up. It knocked furiously on my door – reminding me to open my heart a little. And each time I opened it up a little more, I healed a bit more. There’s plenty more healing to do. But I have let love in because love is a beautiful gift. It’s a gift from our heavenly Father and without it I would be lost.
So, here I am at the cusp of new beginnings, of becoming a wife. Leaving single-hood behind and entering into a union. Becoming a wife. No doubt with it’s own challenges. Yet to journey on with someone with the same aspirations as me is a beautiful gift from God. I say goodbye to one aspect of my life as I enter into a new season. Always carrying Sebastian in my heart. Always holding him close to my heart knowing that he had a part to play in who I am today.
Thank you for supporting me, for encouraging me. For being there even if I didn’t know. I am grateful. And I wish you all the best for the adventures that God will take you on.