So, it’s one of those things that I used to write so frequently about then I stopped. Now they the MIGRAINES are back in a magnificent spasmodic rage of pain. And I tell you, it’s not a pleasant experience to undergo. It’s the stigma behind migraines that cause this intense sense of despair, shame and a screaming sense of panic. Doctors no longer take you seriously as the spasmodic pain becomes more intense, and more severe and lasts for longer. Sometimes days I have to spend in a dark room to overcome the rhythmic stabbing inside my head, behind my left eye, a piercing pain inside my ear. And when the pain is gone I jump at the chance of living as normal a life as possible. I’m so elated, I forget that I need to not rush into the world again, but to crawl before I can walk and walk before I can run. After a heavy round of battle in my head it takes a few days at the very least, to recover completely. If I don’t pace myself, I run the risk of having another attack. This is what happens. 

The familiar sense of pain creeps in, the pain is banging away against my forehead, and I am dizzy with pain and I have to lie down because any movement can set off that severe throbbing headache. I lie on this bed thinking there is a way that I can get to work, but the more I lie on my bed the more I realise I cannot get up because the pain is so debilitating I would make myself worse if I’m not careful. In the end I spend the day drifting in and out of sleep. Watch a couple of movies to make time go faster once the pain recedes to a more or less normal level. 

The day after an attack is always the worst. I wonder and I question why me? Why again? I begin this research in a quest to find answers to what causes these migraines. What is causing this weird neurological disease? Most people say it’s just a headache. But it’s far more then that. Migraines are a pain in the bum. My whole body becomes incapacitated. I become weak. I stagger around. If I stand or sit I make the pain worse. I have to lie as still as possible to overcome the deep throbbing in my head, and to avoid that sickening feeling of being nauseous and like you’re going to expel some stuff. I desperately don’t want to go through this. It makes me cry, it makes me anxious. Every time I have a migraine attack or when I think about it, it makes me so anxious and stressed. I feel such a deep shame. I feel all alone because most people don’t understand what it does to you and how debilitating it can be. It’s a dark place that you enter and only certain people are part of this club. 

Oh it’s just a migraine. But when is it just a migraine? Yet,  what does it really mean to have a migraine?  A migraine is a headache that can cause severe throbbing pain or a pulsing sensation, usually on one side of the head. It’s accompanied by nausea, vomiting, and extreme sensitivity to light and sound. A migraine is more than a headache. It debilitates you. Sometimes it can debilitate you for days, other times for a few hours. It depends at what stage you were able to salvage some rescue remedies to at least get on top of the migraine. I’m not an expert in the field. I am just someone who is a migraine sufferer and is desperate for answers on how to deal with the onslaught of debilitating pain.

The truth is no-one knows at this stage what causes a migraine. It could be…? You fill in the blank. It could be the following a Serotonin-deficit. It could be that food triggers it. It could be coffee. Or it could be stress, emotional exhaustion. It could be an upset. It could even be your mattress.  You could be extremely tired. You name it. Any variable can cause a migraine. This is why it is never easy to treat. But what is it that causes a migraine? I actually don’t know what causes mine. I am still searching for that trigger. Or when a number of triggers meet inside a bag and collide you have a bomb – that explodes in your head. It’s not one trigger. It can be many triggers. And for each person it is different. We are not neurotic. We are experiencing a high level of pain and are desperate for some answers.

So, it is another day after another migraine attack and my emotions are all over the place. I proceed with caution today as I don’t want to overdo it, or over exert myself anymore. I don’t want to run the risk of spending the weekend in bed or the week in bed. I want to be me and be able to do what I want to do. Not to succumb to bed rest. Not to be ill with head pain. I want to live and be alive. I do not want to experience this fear of having another migraine. Because it does frighten me. The pain relief doesn’t always touch it and that is scary. How do you overcome? I haven’t got the answers for that. I feel this sense of shame that it is my fault. But I know it is not. I am learning to not blame myself after the migraine has ebbed and to go with the emotions rather than jump back into life in full flow. 

One day I will overcome this migraine disease and be free.