Oh My Darling Boy

Oh my darling boy how I miss you so. Life is so different now. I realise I never even got to hold you like a mummy should have. Back then I used to think that time would stand still. That we would not move forward with time. That grief would remain thick and lean heavily against a door post. But it is not so anymore. Sometimes it is still thick and sticky, remembering every moment of being pregnant with you. You were here, but not of this world. You were too special, so your petals had to bloom in a heavenly place. I miss you sweet boy. I miss that time when I knew I would have a child in my arms and I would be able to love and cherish. I still love you. And I wonder will I ever be able to be a mother again? Will I ever be able to carry a child again and have a brother and sister for you? Or is that something that will never happen? I pray to God that it will happen one day soon. I would feel that your life wouldn’t have been totally wasted. I would feel so pleased if you’d be able to be an older brother even though you’re not here. You’re still very much a part of me.

They say that the baby’s cells have been found to stay in the mother’s body beyond the time of pregnancy, in some cases for decades and decades. I wonder if I am blessed enough to have your cells inside of me beyond the time of pregnancy, that it would be longer than a decade. Soon it will be a decade since you passed away. It’s like we’re two years away. 7 years was the year of completion. 8 years is the year of new beginnings. Is this the year that I will be able to become pregnant again and have a child of my own. If not two children? A boy and a girl. I want to carry on your legacy. I want to fulfil my purpose of being a mummy and of being able to bring a family into this world in honour of you sweet one.

There are times when you flicker before me and even now I try to imagine what you would have looked like. Would you have had curly dark hair? What would the colour of your eyes have been? I wonder what your scent would be like. I wonder how you would be with the animals around us. Would life have been so very different if you hadn’t passed away? Where would we be living now if you were still here? What would we be doing together? Would we have lived in Slovakia? Would I have met my now husband? Thank you sweet boy for helping Abba Father to bring someone special into my life who can love me unconditionally for who I am. Not for what I achieve but for being me. It’s a journey a different one to what I had imagined. But worth it.

I remember how I always wanted to be the best mummy for you and how I would tell my Grampa that I really wanted to be the best mummy to you and to be able to provide for you. I had it all mapped out in my head for how I would look after you and what we would do. I used to day dream so much when I was pregnant with you. Now I don’t always dare to day dream about the future in case something might go wrong. I know everyone was so excited to meet you and all had so many plans of what they were going to do when you arrived. It saddens me that we never got that chance to show that we were able to be a mum and a son here on Earth. I guess God knew what he was doing and we have to believe in Him with all our heart. Dreaming and to have hope is a good thing. ‘Always put your hope in God.’ Hosea 12:6. So, I place my hope and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ and believe by faith that one day I will be a mum to a living child. I already am a mum to three beautiful children in heaven. A mum to a living children that will live and be fruitful for the kingdom of God.

Soon it will be mother’s day. A day that people celebrate all over the world. Sadly, though many people who have lost a child and don’t have children still don’t get remembered. They are forgotten in the abyss of life. But we too are mother’s just the same. We just don’t carry it in the same way as someone who has a child with them. We carry our children differently. In our heart, always. Never far away from our mind. Your beautiful face takes centre place in the bedroom where your sweet darling face looks so peaceful. You are still a part of me, a part of us. Always will be. Mother’s day should be a celebration of love and sacrifice. It’s a day about honouring our children and thanking them for making us mummy’s.

God, how I pray that one day you will bless me with a child of my own. How I hope that one day you will give me two beautiful children. A boy and a girl. How I pray that we can be parents and that we can teach them about your wonderful love and compassion. I pray dear Lord that it may happen soon in the way that you have ordained it to be. For your ways are higher than our ways. Your ways are perfect. And to you we submit our lives and we want to honour you and humble ourselves before you. For you are a mighty king, a compassionate Father and by faith I believe that you will bless us one day with our own little family. Praise you Father God. Hallelujah.

And so darling boy, you’re never far from my mind. Though the wave of grief ebbs and flows. Some days I feel it more acutely. But I can say with certainty that I am joyous and at peace about what the future will hold for me, for us. I am not afraid, for I have a God that can do the impossible and will make a way where there seems to be no way. Praise you sweet Jesus. Praise you King of kings. All glory and honour go to you. The promise of God is always a certainty. Keep looking up to him, honouring him, and praising his holy name. Keep believing.

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