So much is happening in my life. I am getting married in 4 months and 3 days. I started a new job. And the closer I get to marrying the man God selected for me, the more I want to draw near to the Lord myself. The more I want to spend time with God and get to know Him on an even deeper intimate level. And then there’s the job. I am happy I have a job. I praise the Lord for a job and that I will be receiving a steady wage once more. But there are the questions I ask myself as I face this new season with apprehension and excitement. What is the purpose of life? What is my purpose in life? What if God isn’t real? What if it is just a belief that we have created? I don’t know. I know that deep down He is real. Yet a part of me doubts sometimes. I feel exasperated at times, and I don’t know why. Frustrated and tired.

I look back on my life and I ask God: have I achieved anything with my life? Have I done anything meaningful with it? I wonder what the point in is writing a book when no-one really reads it. I wonder if anyone will ever read it? It’s discouraging that not many people have read it. My dream was for this book to touch many lives. But is it not the right time for the book to impact people? Or am I simply not meant to be an author? Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of publishing books. I published two books. The first in 2017. The second in 2021. Have I not pursued my dreams enough? Have I too easily given in to my ambitions in life? Has fear stopped me from moving forward in life and doing anything meaningful?

An indecision is a decision. People just don’t realise that. Have I let my plans get in the way of what God wanted? Or have I merely stepped aside and let God take the reigns of my life? If it was up to me I would be in a successful job by now, and have a family. But no that wasn’t God’s plan for me. He had to take me through the refiner’s fire to get me to where He needed me to be. Have I got my priorities in the wrong place? Should I have carried on with my counselling course and not stopped it? Why did I not carry on with the second year? With God anything is possible, and yet did I maybe stop God from doing what He wanted me to do a number of years ago? Did I miss opportunities? I suppose I cannot dwell on those. I need to focus on what lies before me. I am getting married. Wow. And I have a job. Finally, a job that I know I will enjoy doing.  

I realise that whatever plan I make – it might not come into fruition. But the plans that God makes will always come into fruition. Although He does give us free will. I also learned early on that if I store up treasures here on earth where would be my treasures in heaven? I would rather have treasures in heaven and not on earth. For me it’s not important to have a house. What is important is for God to dwell within me and to be the lover of my soul. I want to do what is right before His eyes. I want to follow His will for my life. I want to be His humble servant. Help me Lord to do your will and not my will.

God whispers to my heart and says to me: “My child, I love you. Do not be afraid. Be still and rest in me. I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper to you and to give you a future.” I did not throw away opportunities. I chose the ones that were the right ones for me at the time. I embraced every challenge that God presented me, and I climbed it with God leading the way. I was never alone. I did what He asked me to do. He’s still there on top of the mountain waiting for me to hold onto Him forever and ever and to never let go. I surrender all that I am to Him. Lead me Lord. Lead me.