The last few days have been extremely challenging for me. I have felt unbelievably broken and completely at a loss for words. Completely grieved by the situation that lies before my family. A situation I would not wish on anyone. I dislike people who hurt others through their actions. I have so many questions in my head. They will probably never be answered. I feel like flying home and confronting the man and asking him why did you do what you did? But COVID restrictions are stopping me from acting out. Maybe he should thank the heavens that there is COVID restrictions in place because otherwise he would have received a mouth full from me. So, what do you do with these questions? I guess I have to let them go somewhere. Somehow. How? I am not sure. All I know is this: I am fed up with people who hurt people I love. It hurts me when they hurt the people that I care about the most. It hurts me to see that they are suffering. They do not deserve this.
I am swimming in the pool, swimming to the cross. There’s a cross at each end. Each lap I focus in on the cross. The cross where I can lay all my hurts and frustrations down. I question my own existence. I question everything. I question why I hurt the way I do for my mom and for my sister. I question why I have so much compassion in my heart and empathy. Is it a bad thing? Or is it a good thing to have compassion and empathy? I heard that I shouldn’t always be so eager to help. But helping is in my make-up. It is how God designed me to be. I want to help. I want to help the broken-hearted. I want to reach out to those that are suffering. If I stay silent and don’t help those around me I am not doing what Jesus has asked me to do: to love, to show compassion, to be there for those that are at their lowest.
With everything that has happened. I question my own relationship with the person that I love, the person I am meant to be marrying. The pastor says to me ‘do not let this bring fear into your relationship and your marriage. L is a good man and your life partner, enjoy that fact. Let your witness be to your mum that there is hope in God’s love.’ I wonder will the same happen to me that happened to my mom? I know the enemy wants to scare me into believing that every man is horrible. But it is not so. Not everyone is horrible. There are good men out there. Lots of good men. I questioned do marriage vows not mean anything anymore? Is there no shame? Why does the media not shun people who cheat. Why do they make it sound like it is OK? Because you know what? It is not OK. It damages so many families. It hurts so many people. It brings shame. And the truth is it shouldn’t be our shame. It should be the cheaters shame.
My whole perspective on the man that I once called my stepfather has changed. I want to lash out. I want to scream at him. I want to really give him a piece of my mind. But then Jesus comes to my mind and says “forgive for they know not what they do. Luke 23:24” How do you forgive someone who has hurt your family? How do you show them the Father’s love? What they did was despicable. Yet they must have been broken somehow, or sick in the soul to do what they did. I don’t understand it. I don’t think I ever will understand it. All I can do is to surrender it to the Lord. To lay it down at the foot of the cross. I surrender it to you Lord. You are in control of this situation not I. Please help my mom to have peace. Please help my family to have peace about this situation. Help me to forgive though it is hard.
I keep on swimming. I keep on swimming laps. I keep on focusing on the cross and lying my troubles at the foot of the cross for they are not my portion to carry. They are the Lord’s. It is part of His story. Not mine anymore. Let what has happened not define who I am, or my future to the person God chose for me. Help me to focus on the blessings that the Lord has given me.
So, with this I surrender all that I am to Jesus my Lord and Saviour. And I trust Him for His divine intervention. I trust Him to make all things right again according to His purpose and plan. I know that He is in control and that He can do all things. I know that the Lord is close to the broken hearted. The Lord will heal the wounds within.
Is there hope in a broken world?