my dearest Sebastian

my dearest Sebastian,

It has been a while since mummy wrote to you.  I don’t think that there is a day that goes by where I don’t think about you.  Sometimes it’s just a passing thought, a passing smile, passing tears, your name that is written down somewhere or just little children playing and I know you are where you need to be – even if I miss you a lot.

You are still very much a part of who I am.  You are a part of me. I loved you deeply and I love you deeply still. I will never stop loving you. It is just something mummy’s do. They keep loving their children wherever they are, be that Heaven or Earth. There are a couple of Christmas songs that speak a lot to me at this time of year: Mary, did you know? and Drummer Boy.

I remember when I was pregnant with you and I look back at that time and think of it fondly. I remember that I had all these plans for your first Christmas, you’d only have been a few months old. But oh I had so many plans. One thing mummy has learned over the last years since your untimely death is not to make plans because making plans always seem to be over-written by God! I have learned an important lesson over the last years and that is to surrender everything before the Lord. Sometimes I forget, but over the last few days I was reminded of the importance of surrendering everything to God, because God knows what is best for you and I.

So, here we are another year has passed. Though you are five, we’ve missed six Christmases together. I am OK with that. This year I seem to have more peace about everything than the previous year.  The previous years I always had so much anxiety that I couldn’t fully let myself go and be me – be who God wanted me to be.

I shed a few tears for you yesterday in the toilet at work.  In the early days after your passing, I always hid in the toilet room and cried my heart out. Shed so many tears. Wept on my bed many nights in a row. Those heart wrenching tears that no-one should ever have to experience. But tears teach us, they heal us and there is no shame in crying. The last few months I’ve cried a lot. Sat in the living room with John and just cried and cried at everything which again was healing. And I laughed a lot with Mum and Dad recently. And with others dear to me.

Thank you my dearest Sebastian for bringing people into my life to remind me what it is to live again for Christ. Thank you for bringing people into my life who can love me so unconditionally, and so freely, without judgement, simple acceptance. Thank you for looking after mummy from heaven with our heavenly Father. Thank you for being my son. Thank you for all that you have done for me from afar, and that you are still doing.

I truly hope that your Christmas in Heaven this year will be a special one, and that you are able to sit at the Lord’s feet and just celebrate him and sings songs that are so pure in sound and in might. I pray that one day I will get to meet you again, and that I will get to hold you in my arms. I pray that one day the desires of my heart will become a true story.

Thank you Sebastian for choosing me to be your Mum. I am honoured and privileged to be a Mum of such a special boy. I always knew that you were a wise little soul. I always knew somewhere in my heart that you were just a passing presence, but a presence that would remain in my heart forever. You taught me so much when I was pregnant with you, and you keep teaching me even now. Death’s sting is not as strong as we would have thought it to be, but the power of love and hope will always win.

Merry Christmas dear child. Merry Christmas to Micheline, Elouise and cousin David as well. Till we meet again.

Love you all dearly and lots

Forever yours

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