When writing is the only outlet to express your emotions, the only way to make sense of the turmoil inside of you, the only way you can express yourself without the fear of being judged or condemned for how you feel. I feel fearful today about the future and what the future holds for me. But I have to keep trusting God for a good outcome. God is in control of the situation. Sometimes it is easier if we knew what was just around the corner. But God doesn’t work like that for some reason. He likes to give us surprises somehow. 

I went to legs, bums and tums and pilates today to work on my fitness. In an aid to help kickstart it again, and start being more flexible and less stiff. After all I am not getting younger either. A year and a half after my son Sebastian died – I started to run on a regular basis and started to walk regularly to work, and it really helped with my fitness. Somehow I lost it when I moved to Germany. I picked up my fitness slowly again since moving to the island and walking as much as I can to work – weather permitting. 

I have a mixed bag of emotions today. Sometimes, I feel OK, and sometimes I feel sad. I can’t quite put my finger on it. When the flashbacks come, I sink into the mire of depression.  I am trying not to let these flashbacks dictate how I live my life, and what I do with my life. I am trying to stay positively optimistic. But it isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. 

Writing helps me to make sense of the tangled mess of my life. It helps me to understand what is going on in my head, and how I can turn that negative into something positive. It is the outlet where God speaks to my very soul. It is where we have a mutual understanding of each other. I’m going to choose to trust God in this situation even if my insides are screaming and telling me that nothing will work out. They have to work out, because when I look back over time, God has never abandoned me – so why will he do it now?  Trust and living by faith is key. Can i manage that? I hope I can. Can you pray with me – please?

I don’t know what I will do if I don’t find a job here on the island. I’m not ready to leave the island. I love the island.  What will my options be?