Pain haunts. I struggle. I drown. I am paralysed with fear. No-one sees behind the mask that covers up multitudes of hurt. I snap. I am edgy. I am irritable. Little things that don’t normally bother me, bother me. I feel like a part of me died all those years ago when my innocence was taken away from me. I question my mere existence with the Lord. I question why? What have I done wrong? Did I deserve it? Who am I?
I always seem to be smiling away the pain. Hiding behind the smile. People used to say that is probably the biggest fault I have. But it is the only way I seem to be able to function which probably sounds weird. I was speaking with a colleague yesterday – who said that she puts on a bubbly front, a warm front to hide her pain. There are so many hurting people out there. So many people with their own struggles.
I am struggling a lot lately. My back hurts permanently. I am wondering if it is just emotional pain being transferred to another part of my body? Who knows. I haven’t been sleeping as well lately. My back hurts immensely at night and the pain radiates through my legs into my feet. I toss and turn most nights – not able to sleep because the pain seems to gnaw at me. I remember when I was 17 I had 3.5 slipped disks. It took a long time to recover from that. I wonder if it is the same? The pain is similar. And yet also very different. If I sit for long periods at a time, I can feel it. If I stand for a long time, it is there as well. No position is permanent. I have to keep moving.
Pain isn’t permanent. It is temporary. Some people might think that pain is permanent. That damage from your childhood is permanent. But it doesn’t have to be permanent. It is what you do with that pain ultimately. I am surrendering my pain to God on a daily basis, and it helps. It relieves me from my emotional chains. It relieves me from being bitter and angry. Angry is a healthy response to hurtful things that happened to your past. When you start dealing with it constructively – only then are you able to move forward bit by bit.
I don’t regret my life experiences. It has given me a drive to achieve and to do what is right. To do right and to not do wrong. To be a blessing to those around me. I often see people around me who let their past affect them. Who allow their bad experience to define who they become. Some in turn make bad decisions with their lives, others seem to no longer care about how they behave. I don’t always understand it. I always believe that there is a choice at the end of the day. It is what will you do with that pain? Will you let it make you a bitter and angry person or will you turn that pain into something positive?
I’ve decided to turn my hurt into a positive. I will not let it define who I am and not influence me in such a way that I make bad decisions, but rather I will surrender this hurt to God. And let God turn it into something beautiful.
I am Hannah and I have a lot to live for.
There is hope for the painfully broken.