I wasn’t expecting to feel like this. Wake up the days prior to my son’s death and birth with nightmares crisscrossing. Not just nightmares about my son dying. But other nightmares in there as well. Interweaving. Making me feel totally rubbish. I will go home today from work and cry. I feel irritable. I push people away. People don’t understand. So, I’ll keep them at arm’s length. I can’t cope today. Not really anyways. I really miss my son. But who would understand that? Most don’t because they still have their children nearby. It’s OK for them. Anyways it’s been five years so surely, I should be over it by now? Or am I wrong about that too?
I thought it would get easier. Only this year it seems to have crashed in on me. It seems to have snuck up on me. It seems to have come from nowhere and I am in this dark place. The dark pit. Reliving every moment since my son’s death. Every day has a reminder of its own since his untimely departure and all I can do is let it come. I shouldn’t hide the tears. It brings me back to a time when I knew I was alone, and where I feel really alone again today. Like I am on my own. Maybe it’s supposed to be like that? Who knows. Maybe life isn’t supposed to be so simple. Maybe it’s supposed to be tough. Toughen up Hannah.
God why did you have to take my son away? Why did he have to die? What else is there to say? I have no words to describe this emptiness, this loss that I am feeling so acutely at the moment. I feel irritable. In a way like the days after he departed this earth. I feel fragile. Vulnerable. I am hurting. But I don’t want to be hurting anymore. I want to be OK.
Well the fifth year has its challenges. Hopefully, things will calm down eventually? I just don’t understand why Sebastian had to die and I had to live. I would have done anything to have traded my life with his. I would have done anything to protect him, to love him. But I failed at that too. I am a nobody. Just crying in a heap. I miss my kid more than words can describe. What is the use of writing this?