It has been a long while since I last wrote to you. I miss you and I love you more than you will ever know. Lately, I’ve been thinking about you more than I normally would. More than I thought I would. I simply wish you could be here and that we could do mummy son stuff.
There is a pain inside of me. An ache inside of me. A longing for you to be here with me and not in heaven. I keep thinking – if you did not die – my life would be very different. Maybe less complicated in a way. Things have been hard lately for mummy. Very hard.
Death stared me in the face many times these last months. I was close to the edge. A broken mess. Most days I hate myself. I look at myself and see debris everywhere. I feel worthless. I feel invisible. I feel like I’m drowning and noone can see me.
I imagined life would have been different. Could have been different. But it isn’t. Instead I feel like I am going from one bad situation to the next. Living a failed life. Messed up in many ways. It should not be like this. I wanted to be your mummy. Why couldn’t I be your mummy here on earth? What did I do wrong?
You would be approaching your 5th birthday soon. Half a decade almost since I lost you and all the hopes I had for you. Forgotten in the dust. I feel like I have failed miserably and feel far away from God. I cried a lot this past week. I wish you could be here.
I often wonder will I ever be a mummy again to a living child? It’s a desire I have deep within me. Will it ever happen again I wonder? Or am I so undeserving, so unworthy?
I hope one day when we meet that you will know who I am. I wonder what you are up to these days.
Missing you loads.
Love you xxxx