Dear Sebby,

It has been a long while since I last wrote to you. I miss you and I love you more than you will ever know.  Lately, I’ve been thinking about you more than I normally would. More than I thought I would.  I simply wish you could be here and that we could do mummy son stuff.

There is a pain inside of me. An ache inside of me.  A longing for you to be here with me and not in heaven. I keep thinking – if you did not die – my life would be very different.  Maybe less complicated in a way. Things have been hard lately for mummy.  Very hard.

Death stared me in the face many times these last months. I was close to the edge. A broken mess. Most days I hate myself. I look at myself and see debris everywhere.  I feel worthless. I feel invisible. I feel like I’m drowning and noone can see me.

I imagined life would have been different. Could have been different.  But it isn’t.  Instead I feel like I am going from one bad situation to the next. Living a failed life. Messed up in many  ways. It should not be like this. I wanted to be your mummy. Why  couldn’t I be your mummy here on earth? What did I do wrong?

You would be approaching your 5th birthday soon. Half a decade almost since I lost you and all the hopes I had for you. Forgotten in the dust. I feel like I have failed miserably and feel far away from God.  I cried a lot this past week. I wish you could be here.

I often wonder will I ever be a mummy again to a living child? It’s a desire I have deep within me. Will it ever happen again I wonder? Or am I so undeserving,  so unworthy?

I hope one day when we meet that you will know who I am. I wonder what you are up to these days.

Missing you loads.

Love you xxxx