Fading

Depression is like a thick fog of emptiness. Life fades. I am here. I am not here. Gone. Sometimes I wish I was gone. Sometimes I wish I could fade away. Sometimes I wish I could just be gone.

Yet I am still here. Functioning like a normal person. The mask is on. Noone sees the chaos inside of me. The pain inside of me. I want to scream. But I cannot. I want to cry. But the tears will not come. The scream and tears are stuck behind my throat. Help me to fade, Life. Tell me what is the point? Is there a God? If there is a God why will he not take my pain away?

My confidence shattered. My trust broken. I try to be brave. I try to have courage. I try to keep going. But I have no energy. My heart is not in it – in this thing called life. I just want to hide. I want to withdraw from life support. I want to scream. I want to cry. But the emotions are imprisoned inside of me. They will not come. I am trapped inside of my walls. Let me fade. Let me fade. Let the silent waves hit me. Let me scream. Let me cry.

Some days Death’s voice is louder than Life’s voice. Today Death’s voice is louder. This weekend Death’s voice was stronger, more keen.

This is a journey of rediscovering myself. A painful journey through the thick fog of depression.

Life is as it is. An endless broken mosaic is how I see myself.

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