When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million, empty words. — Thema Davis
I wish you could see the turmoil I am going through. I wish you could hear my pain. My silent scream trapped between my lips. I wish I could be understood. Liked. Loved. Cared for. I wish I wasn’t alone, and that I wasn’t so afraid of what the future holds. Help me Father, I ask. I am not sure I can do it on my own anymore. Help me Lord every day. Every second. Every minute. Every hour. Help me Lord to be free from this anxiety. Help me to trust you when the storm rages on. Help me to place my trust in you. Help me to be at peace. Help me to keep my eyes on you Lord. Help me to do what is in your will and not my will. Help me Father, I can’t do it on my own anymore. I have no strength left. Help me dear Father.
Life is funny somehow. Actually, I don’t know if it is funny right now. I find it a real challenge. I find it confusing. I don’t understand much at the moment. I am just going through the motions of living – which usually means breathing. Existing for the sake of existing. I don’t know whether to cry or to laugh. Whether to run away or to hibernate. Instead I march forward slowly. Instead I take one day at a time, and switch off my thoughts. Or trying to switch off my thoughts which seems impossible at times. I am scared. Am I OK to admit that? Or should I not have admitted this? I am really scared. The great unknown scares me. There is so much at stake here. I know life will change this week. I have this increasing sensation that life will change completely. I have moments of deep peace and moments of a raging fear spreading like wildfire through my body. My stomach is twisted in endless knots. I am not sleeping very well. I am tired all the time, and I lack energy. I feel like I am marching towards my death. Unfortunately, I don’t know what will happen and what my future will hold for me. Please pray for me.
Please especially pray for me on Wednesday at 1045 UK time. Please pray for me to have courage. To not be afraid. To speak what God wants me to say. Doesn’t God tell us do not be afraid, have courage, I will make a way where there seems to be no way. Everything seems impossible at the moment. I don’t have the strength to fight anymore. I don’t have the strength to defend myself anymore. I will take the beating mercifully. But I pray that God will give me the strength, the courage to face Wednesday. I might not make it to Wednesday. I will not think about Wednesday anymore. It makes me panic. It makes the bile rise to the back of my throat.
What have I done wrong God? What have I done? I am so confused, I feel so alone. I feel really scared. I am taking it to the cross. I am writing this down to you God. I am faced with the impossible. Except it shouldn’t be the end of the world. It is only a job after all. Its only words they will say. But will I come out on the other end? Bruise free? Or will I feel like I have been beaten up. Will people stop caring for me afterwards? Will people stop loving me after Wednesday? Will you stop loving me God after Wednesday?
I feel like I am fading. I feel like I am a failure. Like I am the biggest disappointment ever. What have I achieved? Who am I? Where does my worth come from?
Lord, I turn to you. I want to trust you. I surrender you my struggles. I seek your presence. I praise you. I thank you for every blessing in my life and I will praise your Holy Name no matter what. Surely you are in this? Surely, there is a good outcome in all of this. Lord, help me, guide me. Don’t abandon or forsake me please. I need you. I need you every moment. Help me dear Father.
Help me to do what is in your will.
Love from your broken daughter