Depression is like dry saw dust. It comes when you least expect it. It clouds your thinking. It clouds your perception on life. Let me fade is all I really want. What is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of my life? I can feel it take me away depression. I can feel that sinking sensation. I can feel myself drowning while hope clings on to this invisible string that looks like it will snap any moment. I am fragile. I have hardly any strength inside of me to fight. I have no strength left. I am sinking. Sometimes my head bobs above the water and than I collapse again.
Sometimes I think can I go on for much longer? Or do I feel like I am losing a battle that is no longer worth fighting for? I am trapped in this bubble. I am quiet. I can see myself withdraw. I can feel the fear rise, the bile behind my throat come to the surface. Do I still want to be here? Sometimes I do still want to be here, other times I don’t care anymore. I face death. I face life. Which is louder? Death at times is louder than life. But somehow life’s quiet persistence keeps me going. Hope clings onto God’s love. But is it enough to keep me going or will I die from depression?
Shame and guilt my constant companion. The lies echo in my head. Hannah is not worthy. Hannah is a nobody. Hannah belongs nowhere. Hannah is unlovable. Hannah is dying. This is how it feels sometimes. I hate who I am. I hate how I look. I hate what is happening to me. I don’t understand why people care. I don’t deserve any of this. I just want it all to end. All the pain, all the wounds from a broken past.
Painfully broken am I. God heals. But he seems far away again. Who am I? Does God love me? Does he hear me? Do I deserve to be loved? Does God see my pain or does he not care? Does he not hear my pain? See my pain? Can he not end it?
Who have I become? I am a broken soul with hope fading fast. I want to fade again. I want death’s warm embrace to take me home today. But fight I must through this dark thoughts. I must get through. I must come through. I will get through this. Let me fade.