Let Me Fade

Depression is like dry saw dust. It comes when you least expect it.  It clouds your thinking. It clouds your perception on life. Let me fade is all I really want.   What is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of my life? I can feel it take me away depression. I can feel that sinking sensation. I can feel myself drowning while hope clings on to this invisible string that looks like it will snap any moment. I am fragile. I have hardly any strength inside of me to fight. I have no strength left. I am sinking. Sometimes my head bobs above the water and than I collapse again.

Sometimes I think can I go on for much longer? Or do I feel like I am losing a battle that is no longer worth fighting for?  I am trapped in this bubble. I am quiet. I can see myself withdraw. I can feel the fear rise, the bile behind my throat come to the surface. Do I still want to be here? Sometimes I do still want to be here, other times I don’t care anymore. I face death. I face life. Which is louder? Death at times is louder than life. But somehow life’s quiet persistence keeps me going. Hope clings onto God’s love. But is it enough to keep me going or will I die from depression?

Shame and guilt my constant companion. The lies echo in my head. Hannah is not worthy. Hannah is a nobody. Hannah belongs nowhere. Hannah is unlovable. Hannah is dying. This is how it feels sometimes. I hate who I am. I hate how I look. I hate what is happening to me. I don’t understand why people care. I don’t deserve any of this. I just want it all to end. All the pain, all the wounds from a broken past.

Painfully broken am I. God heals. But he seems far away again. Who am I? Does God love me? Does he hear me? Do I deserve to be loved? Does God see my pain or does he not care?  Does he not hear my pain? See my pain? Can he not end it?

Who have I become? I am a broken soul with hope fading fast. I want to fade again. I want death’s warm embrace to take me home today. But fight I must through this dark thoughts. I must get through. I must come through. I will get through this. Let me fade.

2 thoughts on “Let Me Fade

  1. I have been through pain, suffering, torment, demonic dreams, abuse, depression, negativity and suicide. I got through all of that (with the help of counselling) and by resting in God’s presence daily, shutting out the world (and those negative voices) and by surrendering the struggle. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10.10

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  2. Hannah is worthy. Hannah is a a beloved daughter of Almighty God Most High. Hannah belongs. Hannah is totally loved. Hannah is dying, in the ‘natural’ but alive to God in the spiritual.
    Keep repeating the Truth. Keep repeating the Truth. Keep repeating the Truth. It goes in, eventually.

    I too have experienced Depression, repeatedly. I survived. And am stronger. Standing in God’s Truth and telling the enemy what he can do with his lies!

    Hang in there, Princess Hannah, God _is_ hanging on to you.

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