Everything is unravelling at the moment. I suppose that isn’t a bad thing at all. Well, yesterday I felt like I hit hot rock bottom. It was a fast crash. I mean already for sometime I have been battling a period of low depression, and some days when I feel like I am picking up – the following day I hit the ground even lower. I don’t have much strength left inside of me. I actually have no strength left inside of me. If you write me an e-mail – I don’t have energy to write to your e-mails. Not because I don’t want to. It’s because I simply can’t. I have only a certain amount of energy left to deal with people. And I spend that time with Mum and Dad who are very compassionate.
I feel like I am faced with the impossible. A mountain to climb. I feel like every good thing that comes, will eventually come to an end. It feels kind of like that now. That everything good that is happening will just suddenly vanish into thin air, and that I will have lost everything once more. It feels like God doesn’t care. Of course he cares. But he seems far away. I suppose the only thing I can really do is cry out to him and ask him for GUIDANCE. Which is what I spent half the night doing. A restless night, a stormy night. Full of doubt about myself as a person. Not knowing who I am anymore. If there is any sense in this world for my mere existence? Is there a point in living? I just want to fade. I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t have the energy or the resources to fight. I have nothing left. I am just an empty shell of my former self. I wanted God to take me home last night. But he did not, for some crazy reason.
I am faced with losing my job. Not a job I particularly enjoy. But it pays the bills. I am faced with essays to write – which I haven’t been able to do because I am sinking lower and lower and lower into the pit. And no-one sees me. I am drowning fast. It feels like I am unreachable. A hopeless case. Like hope has tip-toed out of the room. And forgotten all about me. It feels like God has tip-toed out of the room too and forgotten all about me. And decided Hannah isn’t worth it anymore. It feels like I am running a steep hill and each time I try and run this steep hill, I am falling backwards even more. What am I to do? How am I to move forward when I can’t see anything before me anymore? I feel like the pressure is building up inside of me. Building and building, ready to erupt. A bit like yesterday when an explosion of sobs racked my body and I wanted to run far away into the darkness of the night and not come back. Instead I sat sobbing at the kitchen table in mum’s house, in her arms. Dad being there as well, comforting me. I feel alone and frightened. Yet, I still had the urge to run. Did I bring this depression on by myself? Did I not have a good godly attitude towards my job? Towards life? How can you snap out of depression? I’ve tried so hard to keep going. But I can’t. I simply cannot go on.
I will simply keep turning my eyes to the Lord for strength and hope and pray that he will hear my pleas, that he will hear my cries at this desperately hard time, and hope that he will not abandon me to my plight. I will trust him. I will keep my eyes glued to the son no matter how hard this journey is getting. I will try to keep pushing through. I will try to keep hearing God’s voice in the midst of the storm. Help me please dear Lord. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I don’t want you to take away everything that is dear to me.
What is the secret to life?