This sense of sitting alone in a hot air balloon alone on the edge of the world wanting to fly. Wanting to be free from the haunted memories of a broken life spread before me. Wanting to be free from this wretched pain. Wanting to belong. Wanting to be a part of a family. Fearful of belonging. Wanting to belong to a family. But will it ever be? Who am I?
Yesterday was tough in every sense of the word.. counselling is hard. But useful I guess. Who knows?
I did have a highlight yesterday though. My dad took me to see the Ledges on the sea after my counselling session. It made me feel special that he’d do this for me. Dad daughter time. Mum daughter time afterwards. Many many years ago the ledge was part of a cliff that wore down over decades. A bit like me. Wearing down. Wary of people. I love the sound of crashing waves. Of water lapping gently. The crashing waves are like the crashing wounds, the crashing conflicts within me. I walked part of the way with my bare feet on the sand. I felt free like a butterfly in some ways though still in some senses trapped in memories of a failed past. Building positive memories without tension restores my faith in humanity a little bit. Without needing to prove who I am helps me to know that I can be loved and appreciated regardless what others think.
Life is a series of trials but it has good moments too. Even if I feel like I am on the edge of life now – I know I am not alone. I am not alone anymore. But there are moments when things are really tough and I want to hide inside my wall where it is safe. I want to run. I want to retreat where I know it’s safe. Mum and Dad’s gentle love prods me out and I feel drawn to their gentle encouragement. Maybe I am going to be okay?