Anxiety is like the rising tide that ebbs and flows. It comes out of nowhere sometimes. Paralyses you into a state of fear. And what can be done then? Nothing. I had a good weekend. It was filled with fun, laughter, joy, peace and love. Then the familiar sinking feeling came. The feeling that there is no way out except to march forward into what appears to be my own demise. The feeling of feeling trapped in your own wounded-ness. Knowing that the feeling of being valued, of being special won’t last. That it’ll go away in a couple of short weeks. Watching your world crumble around you.
There was so much I wanted to do. The spirit in me wanted to hug my mum and dad spontaneously. But I did not dare. Fear of rejection perhaps. Ha! Fear of being disliked! Fear of being hated! I am Hannah. A shadow of my former self. I can see glimpses of who I really am at times. But then like a flash of thunder she’s gone again with the wind.
I wanted to run. I want to run. I want to run into safety. I want to run into love. I want to run into feeling protected. I want to run to a place where I belong, where I feel valued and safe. I don’t want to run in the opposite direction where love seems far away. I don’t want to run to where I don’t belong. Yet that is the direction I am heading towards. Alone. Very alone. And there is nothing that can be done. And my insides are screaming at me. Laughing at me. Mocking me. Telling me that the opposite direction I am running to is where I truly belong. I do not deserve to be loved, I do not deserve to be protected. I do not deserve to be safe. I do not deserve any of this. I feel like I am sinking into quick sand. I want to scream. But I cannot scream. My scream remains frozen on my lips. I cry instead. I weep instead.
How can a weekend full of fun, laughter, joy, peace and love clash with insecurity? How can it clash like that so suddenly? Like a thunder bolt through the sky? What am I to do? So I stand and stare out the window and wonder – what will happen? Will my world collapse around me? Will I feel unsafe again?
I wish it was different.
I wish anxiety would leave me.
I wish depression would leave me.
I wish that fear would leave me.
I wish that fear of rejection would go.
I wish I belonged. I wish I belong to a family.
I wish I could feel safe, and believe that I am loved.
I wish I could know that I am a daughter and that I am special.
Who am I?
Where has the real Hannah gone to? How I wish and long to be just held and allowed to weep. Allowed to openly cry and be held and told you are safe precious child. How I wish that this shame and guilt within would vanish and not trap me anymore.