Writing helps me process my thoughts. Some thoughts I write may be concerning for some. But they should not be. I am just going through a rough phase but that is OK. No big deal right? I am not alone either. I am safe. Mum and Dad are around the corner from me. So, I am safe. Even if I want to withdraw they will not allow me to withdraw fully into my little cave. They message me, pray for me and I see them basically daily. If not daily they are in communication at regular intervals. So, I am not alone. Even if I feel like I’m alone battling this depression like cancer that ravages my soul.
Work has been crazy too. We’ve had a lot of random crazy shifts so that doesn’t suit me well. But it’ll be over soon. Being a full-time student too has also its challenges. I have a lot of emotions to confront. As a counsellor in training I am learning to become more self-aware which isn’t always easy. You are sometimes confronted with the hurts of your own past and the unhealthy behaviours you picked up… which you now have to unravel somehow. My own personal counselling is also bringing up a lot of things to the surface which would be easier to leave behind. But somehow it has caught up with me.
Reality and my unrealistic hope has clashed. Therefore, creating havoc in my life. I having to learn to accept that my unrealistic hope is now replaced with a fresh dose of reality. Something I have to learn to accept. Ha. And come to terms with. Oh the Joy’s of life…
I am going away soon…. and I feel like I am being left behind. Being left behind in the sense of feeling secure and loved. Protected and valued…. to a somewhat different situation. I need to change my attitude and go with a childish hope that all will be well. But will it be? A silent denial is of no -use. It will bring me no where sadly. I always feel like I am being left behind in the action or in what people say because sometimes my mind wonders… and I day-dream of all that could have been….
Being left behind, being rejected, being abandoned are scary stuff to come to terms with. But my hope is in God. He says ‘come to me all you who are weary and I shall give you rest’. I prayed earnestly to him today. Hoping he’ll here my troubled heart and give me the peace I so long for.
I wonder if I made the right decision when I left two years ago… was it selfish of me to leave my son’s birthplace behind? I will be confronted with memories when I go back. The baby bed collecting dust in the attack. His ashes standing on the barren shelf alone. Should I have stayed? Instead of leaving him behind? He’s in my heart. I think of my Sebastian often. That is but one memory I face. The pain, the confrontation of what was not to be.
I am on this journey. I often feel like I am alone fighting this darkness. But I am not alone. Mum and Dad are praying. People are praying for me to get through this.
I am a young woman sitting on the edge of life. Waiting. Waiting for hope. Waiting for God even if he feels far away. . Learning to be obedient. Learning to trust again and believe again. I do have faith in God to get me through this.
I am this woman sitting on the edge of life. Wondering do I belong? Do I have a home to go to when I come back? Will I be remembered or forgotten? Will you remember me? Remember to pray for me?