In my life there never really seems to be a dull moment. I feel like I’ve overcome some barriers this week. As I sit back and reflect on the week gone by, I simply have to thank God for life. A friend of mine – a sister in adoption nearly died of a heart attack. I thank God for the miracle he performed. She lives to tell the tale. Thank God. For I know that grief is an awful journey to embark on and it is something I do not wish on anyone. I do not wish a death of a child on anyone because it is a living nightmare. It is a hell I do not want to live, and I pray dear Lord that not many people have to live it.
When I heard about my friend having to be brought back to life, I was transported back to my own nightmare. Living through those days when my own tragedy struck 4.5 years ago. My son had a strong heartbeat. And then he had no heartbeat. He was gone. I remember praying fervently for life for my son in the same way I was doing for my friend. Praying for life. Praying for God’s grace. Praying for a miracle. I know when my son died I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for life. I prayed for him to live and for me to be taken home. But obviously God had different plans for me, for whatever reason. Wednesday night reminded me of all that I lost, and all that my adopted family could have lost. I did not want that for them. I prayed to our God for mercy. I prayed and shouted you God are the God that can heal us. You God can make a dire situation into something hopeful. Lord, you can heal. And he does heal, and he does perform miracles. I have seen it with my own eyes. Maybe he didn’t do a miracle for my son, but he did do a miracle and I have to praise him for that.
I have great admiration for my adopted family. The way they handled it with dignity and calm. Total peace. I could learn something from them. I had to overcome barriers, I had to ignore my own shadow of the past and break through walls. To overcome that fear and hug my adopted mum. I would normally never do something like that in a million years. But I was transported to the time when I lost my son and how I craved, how I wished for human touch to remind me that I am still here, alive, breathing. I didn’t think – I got up before I left and hugged her. I didn’t want to face this emergency. But who does? I wanted her to know that I was there without saying anything. That I understood without saying anything. I overcame that barrier to hug. Yet now for some reason I feel like the stiffness has returned. Hugs frighten me, They are way out of my comfort zone. Though in that moment fear was not the overriding emotion. It was empathy for the situation, knowing what it was like to enter a nightmare I would want to escape from.
I feel exhausted this week. Emotionally worn out. Remembering my own nightmare. My own close call with death 4.5 years ago. I remember telling my best friend at the time that I was ready to die. That I was okay to die and that I was ready to go home to our heavenly father. I remember telling my best friend that I could die, that I was ready for it. I had peace about it. His response was no you will not die. You will live. He proclaimed life over me. But I didn’t want to live. If I knew how difficult the grieving journey would have been and the roller coaster ride I would have been on after my son died, I would have given up fighting and I would have died. But it was hope – I clung onto hope that kept me alive. Hope for a better future, hope for new beginnings though I did not know what lay waiting for me. I just clung onto God. The only thing I knew how to cling on.
I remember wanting hugs, but hugs were scarce. I think in times of trouble hugs are important. Hugs often speak louder than words. It is comfort, love, safety, care all in one package. Sometimes words should not be said. Sometimes words should be silenced in moments of intensity.
Life is fragile. Life can leave us with just a moment’s notice. Making precious memories with your loved ones and spending time with your loved ones is more important than anything else on this planet. Being there for each other in warmth and empathy speaks volumes.
Life is fragile. It can vanish with just a moment’s notice. I nearly vanished into a timeless time. Would I have been missed?