Sleep… sleeplessness

It’s hard for me to fall asleep. They say people with ADHD or ADD struggle to sleep… ever since I remember sleep is like a war-zone.  I am on this battlefield fighting it. Trying to let  my body relax seems impossible. Now I am terrified of sleep. Of what it can do to me. It haunts me.

The last few weeks I have struggled to sleep because of terrifying nightmares.  I feel restless tonight. Weary of what the night will bring. If I close my eyes will this be the last time I open them? That’s how it feels sometimes.  The nightmares feel real. They seem realistic. Yet they are not. They just torment my mind. They take away my peace.

I wonder will there be more nightmares tonight? No dreams? I hope none. I hope nothing. I feel unsettled.  Uncomfortable in my own skin.  I don’t feel good about myself. No-one realises how tired I am. How the tears well up behind my eyes. I suppress them. I no longer know who I am. Am I safe? Since the nightmares got worse I feel insecure in who I am. I feel worthless and like a failure, somehow.  The nightmares are knocking down my confidence and peace.  Depression seeps in silently like a serpent. I feel alone and isolated and afraid. Very alone.

The night terrifies me. I hate having to turn off the lights and lie in darkness listening to my anxious breathing as I stumble into a troubled slumber. Sleep is not a release. It is not freedom for me. Instead it paralyses me with fear. The nightmares are so real that sometimes I feel too scared to go out.  I have to ignore my fear and go. But what if the nightmares are telling me something… pre warning me of my fate? Prewarned prearmed. No?

I do not want to sleep because I am afraid of what the night will bring, haunting my mind paralysing me into a state of fear. Sleep is not friendly, it is a frightening thing. It plagues me, it haunts me. The nightmares are endless and I am totally exhausted battling this alone.

I am running on empty.  No- one sees my pain. I pretend that I am okay.  But what is the point of sleeping?

One thought on “Sleep… sleeplessness

  1. Hannah, it seems to me that your dreams are demonically inspired. The enemy of your soul wants to destroy your peace and to destroy you, as he sees your huge ministry potential in God. (The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.. John 10.10) I’m praying you will find deliverance ministry in the very near future. If it’s any encouragement I too was plagued with recurring demonic dreams for many years but was eventually delivered of them and then able to sleep peacefully. I pray the same for you asap!

    Liked by 1 person

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