It’s hard for me to fall asleep. They say people with ADHD or ADD struggle to sleep… ever since I remember sleep is like a war-zone. I am on this battlefield fighting it. Trying to let my body relax seems impossible. Now I am terrified of sleep. Of what it can do to me. It haunts me.
The last few weeks I have struggled to sleep because of terrifying nightmares. I feel restless tonight. Weary of what the night will bring. If I close my eyes will this be the last time I open them? That’s how it feels sometimes. The nightmares feel real. They seem realistic. Yet they are not. They just torment my mind. They take away my peace.
I wonder will there be more nightmares tonight? No dreams? I hope none. I hope nothing. I feel unsettled. Uncomfortable in my own skin. I don’t feel good about myself. No-one realises how tired I am. How the tears well up behind my eyes. I suppress them. I no longer know who I am. Am I safe? Since the nightmares got worse I feel insecure in who I am. I feel worthless and like a failure, somehow. The nightmares are knocking down my confidence and peace. Depression seeps in silently like a serpent. I feel alone and isolated and afraid. Very alone.
The night terrifies me. I hate having to turn off the lights and lie in darkness listening to my anxious breathing as I stumble into a troubled slumber. Sleep is not a release. It is not freedom for me. Instead it paralyses me with fear. The nightmares are so real that sometimes I feel too scared to go out. I have to ignore my fear and go. But what if the nightmares are telling me something… pre warning me of my fate? Prewarned prearmed. No?
I do not want to sleep because I am afraid of what the night will bring, haunting my mind paralysing me into a state of fear. Sleep is not friendly, it is a frightening thing. It plagues me, it haunts me. The nightmares are endless and I am totally exhausted battling this alone.
I am running on empty. No- one sees my pain. I pretend that I am okay. But what is the point of sleeping?