I watch the day merge into night, night into dawn. It’s another sleepless night. I wake feeling emotionally wrung out. Insecure of who I am meant to be. Close to tears because sleep is an unpleasant activity plagued by endless night terrors haunting me. How I wish it could be different.
I feel irritable this morning. Annoyed and frustrated at another night of troubled slumber. I don’t know what to do with the little sleep I find myself getting. I feel like I might break down and cry. I want to scream and beg God for another good night’s sleep. Why is it such a marathon to sleep? Why such a challenge?
I remember when my son died – I would wake multiple times of night terrors. I would wake up drenched in my own sweat. I would wake up crying. I wake up crying now. All sense of control gone. Just a wild night with the terror of haunted nights lurking behind everything. I do not like the dark. The dark is a scary place.
I don’t know how to explain this feeling I have inside of me. This feeling of growing anxiety like a ticking time bomb. My nerves are fried. I feel anxious about the work situation. Anxious about he and he finding me. It makes me weary. It’s like this sense of doom has fallen upon me. And I feel very alone as I battle sleeplessness.
I wake feeling anxious. Heart in my throat at the prospect of another day at work. I do not enjoy it. The atmosphere is stale with bullying. And no-one cares. The hard working ones get pulled up for every mistakes they make. The slackers get away with everything. Typical really. This is like a death sentence.
I feel like I am drowning in overwhelming exhaustion. I just want to drift off into a peaceful slumber for once. But I cannot. The shadows haunt. The shadows paralyse. The shadows laugh. My discomfort real. I feel uncomfortable in my skin. Restless. Nervous. Tired. Irritable.
God I just want a good night’s sleep for once. A break from the challenging work environment. Rest for my unsettled soul. Is that possible? Will there be the perfect-fit job for me? Or is all this studying a waste of time too? God I need you. I feel anxious and uneasy today. My spirit is unsettled and I don’t know how to calm it. I just want to be loved. I want to be cared for. I don’t want to be scared anymore. But I feel uneasy like there is a pending doom. Please bring peace flooding back to my spirit.