What Happens

What happens
When the memories crash and floodgates open?
Anxiety rises. He’s lurking behind the shadows
Of every nightmare, of ever haunted memory
Of every moment in my day
He seems to know how to control me
Knows how to scare me
Into a sense of defeat
A sense of failure
I am simply not good enough

Are there any memories free of pain?
He hurt me, but does he know?
I should have been safe but I was not
He did not care. He did not love.
Last words I ever heard from him were
Your baby is a monster
I turned my back to him
Knowing my son comes first
Above anyone
I did what I had to
Protect my precious son
Protect myself…

Yet he and he are back
Haunting my sleep
Anxiety comes crashing down
Like an earthquake
I feel trapped like I cannot escape
What if he and he come?
Will I be safe?
Will I be safe I wonder?
Who will protect me?

What happens now?
Anxiety is at my door
I find myself breathless
Unable to breathe
Fear paralyses me
Frozen and afraid
Alone I am once more

I used to pray
Dear God protect me this evening
Dear God please let him be in a good mood
Sometimes God answered, sometimes he did not
Did the Lord hear my prayers I wonder
Did he hear my pleas – please protect me?
I wonder… I do wonder as the dark night falls

I was unsafe. Alone.
I became the invisible girl.
Still feel invisible… at times
When the nightmares are at their peak
No-one sees behind the well of tears
No-one sees behind the pained smile

And now, he’s coming to haunt my sleep
He’s back. Back this time. Why I wonder?
Am I safe? Who will be there for me if he comes?
Fear renders me to the spot
And so anxiety tries to rise

But

A shattered dream
Broken hope
Is calling to be repaired
And here I am
Still battling
Still trying to build
On the shattered dreams,
Still trying to mend the broken hope
Somehow still believing in love
To heal the hurt
Deep within

3 thoughts on “What Happens

  1. I recommend the book ‘Overcoming Fear and Anxiety’ by Carol Peters-Tanksley available from Amazon. You do not have to live under this curse. I will be supporting you in prayer to overcome this huge burden.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Hannah,

    I have just come across you blog today and have read a few of your posts and wept!

    You have a powerful way with words, but such great sadness and loss and pain described in your blog posts. I can identify with some things you write and would not want to give any twee advice, or a random scripture, or just click the “like button” in the face of such pain.

    What can I say then? I can tell you a little of myself perhaps and so that you can know that I care, and you are now on my list of those I pray for. I came to know the Lord Jesus Christ, or was born-again in my spirit, when I was 22 years old. I had an unhappy childhood due to a bad father. I was 12 years old before I discovered that the word “father” wasn’t the word meaning the male adult in the home whom you hated! (It was emotional abuse, not physical). With the help of Jesus Christ, I was able to forgive him, but some things still linger and affect us through our lives I suspect.

    I have lived through the pain of marriage breakdown and divorce, but mine wasn’t the same as yours. However, there has been much pain, loss and loneliness in both our lives, despite the differences that brought such things about. There has been much depression and crying for me too. Crying at work, at home and when out taking a walk. So many tears in this life. It makes me long for the return of the Lord Jesus Christ and long to be safe with Him in eternity, where there will be no more pain, suffering or tears.

    Like you, I also get a couple of severe migraines a year, that involve nausea and vomiting, and having to lie in a darkened room for days on end until they pass. Yes, it feels like you want to die at such times, and when they finally lift, it can feel like you have come back to life from a near death experience.

    Like you, I have written an account of some of my own pain and troubles, and am posting it slowly on my blog, under the “Book” page. I have recently posted a poem that I wrote on anxiety – just in case you’re interested, you can find it at https://grainofwheatblog.wordpress.com/2019/02/23/do-not-worry/#more-2594

    Anyway, I will keep you in my prayers Hannah.
    Many blessings to you
    From Helen

    Like

    • Dear Helen, thank you for your lovely encouraging comment. I read your poem yesterday and it moved me. I do apologise for not responding sooner … but I study as well so in between full-time work, study I try to relax. I will read your blog as and when I can. I am now following it too. May the Lord bless you this day! Hannah

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s