Reader, I started running again. The flesh doesn’t want to run, the spirit is willing. Today was my second run of the week. My aim is to build up to 4 times a week. Wonder where I will fit all that into my very busy schedule? But each time I run – I feel more refreshed. I feel like the happy hormones are kick starting some energy into my life. I already walk to work but I find that isn’t enough to kick depression in it’s backside.
I’ve been off work for a few days – not because I was ill or anything. Mainly to catch up on myself and rest. In the end it didn’t really work. I go through weeks where I sleep OK-ish and then days or weeks which seems months where I have lousy sleep. I am experiencing the latter. I wake up every night with terrifying nightmares. Nightmares that keep me awake for hours on end. Anxiety paralysing me in fear. The idea of going outside scaring me even more. Forcing myself to go out. The dark spooks me. I do not like the dark. It paralyses me in this fear like state. And all I can do is try and ignore that fear. But can I? There are figures following me – wanting to destroy me. It keeps me awake at night.
Monday’s are my long days, reader. It is when I go to work. Then I finish work. And I catch a ferry to go to my counselling course. I come home late. When the bus drops me off at the bus stop. I run. I run fast home because the dark scares me. Because I don’t know what is lurking behind the corners, behind the walls, behind the car. My one mission on a Monday night is to get home as fast as I can and to be safe. Then collapse into a slumber. And so the eve before Monday I can already feel my body tensing. I can feel myself get anxious and there is nothing I can do, except commit everything to the Lord.
I still don’t know what my purpose in life is. But I guess it doesn’t really matter. I have more or less come to the conclusion to trust God for the purpose of my life and hope that he has got everything under control. I am sure he does.
I am very tired. I just want to have one good night sleep where I don’t wake up in the night from nightmares. I wonder if that is possible?