Home alone. Cheesy topic right? Well, for the first time in my life I am renting a little place on my own by the grace of God. That belongs to no-one but me. I can scarcely believe it now. It is difficult to imagine sometimes that God has blessed me with this beautiful little studio apartment in the centre of a magnificent sanctuary. I remember the days when I dreamt of having my own little place. Dreams of what I could do with it, and how I would decorate it, and make it look homey. And finally the day arrived. Finally, I was able to put down a deposit, pay rent and say this belongs to me. I don’t have to share it with anyone. I feel truly content in my little nest. My little home. The Lord has been gracious to me, and given me a hope for a future.
I may not have everything that I want. I know I am missing out on not being able to witness my son grow up. His life was cut short. But God has given me a hope for the future. He has given me peace about the future whether it is with children or without. God’s will be done. I can’t imagine what life would be like without God being the centre piece. Without God living within me. No he is not just a random piece of mantle fluff on my cupboard. He is real and breathes life in me. It is his breath that keeps me going. It is his very breath that helps me to get up in the morning and go through the motions of day to day life. It is his breath that has given me strength to grieve in a healthy way for the loss of my son. Without God’s grace I would not be sitting here, writing this. I would be in a hole somewhere – probably dead. When my son died God breathed life into me.
So, today I reflect on all that was lost. On the 8th of February 2014 I walked away from abuse. I walked away with courage. Courage that my son Sebastian, and daughters Elouise and Micheline gave me. Courage to say no. This will happen no more. It was five years ago where I entered the last week of my broken marriage, and where I realised things were only going to get worse if I didn’t leave now. It was five years ago where I had the feeling I was with child. And that I had to do something to protect my youngest. My little Sebastian.
When I look back over those five years I see a lot has occurred. A lot has changed. I got divorced. I was preparing for motherhood. I was ready to embrace that life. Throughout that storm God never walked away from me, he was with me every step of the way. He helped me to walk on water to become safe. He helped me through the many trials and tribulations. The blessings and the joy. The grief. The sadness. The depression. God is real. God is my life. Without God where would I be?
It was five years ago when I really began to understand the love that God has for me and it was five years ago that he took me on a journey into the unknown. He asked me to trust him. He asked me to give him my burdens. Come to me all you are weary and burdened and I shall give you rest. Matthew 11.28. Without this relationship with God I would be just an empty shell. Probably gone to another abusive relationship. It ended five years ago. Half a decade has gone.
Half a decade of dreams, and wishes for the future. Five years of wondering what my son would look like. From the moment I knew I was pregnant I was wondering what he would look like, and I was eagerly anticipating his birth. Five years on, I still wonder. I still dream of what he looks like. But I can but dream.
Today is a new day. It is a new year. Lord willing the next five years will be a positive experience. Lord willing the Lord’s blessing will rain on me. I am training to be a counsellor. I am looking forward to blessing others, and making a difference. I am looking forward to just trusting God over and over again no matter how hard it is. The Lord is my shepherd. Amen.